welcome to the bring intimacy back show where intimacy is real on the show we believe that intimately connecting with yourself your significant other children family business Network community and your higher power can elevate your life to work towards a positive future that we explore intimate topic inspiring life story spiritually and insightful tips on strengthening relationship this show is hosted by dr. April a Florida licensed mental health counselor relationship and intimacy therapist check out past shows on Apple iTunes Spotify YouTube or wherever you listen to your podcast now let's get this episode of the bring intimacy back show started because we share with you the secret power to intimacy to create a life you love or love the life you create now here's your host dr. April
welcome to the bring an intimacy pack show where intimacy is real thank you guys so much for joining us today and on today's topic we're going to talk about a variety of things but first I want to I'm interviews that I have a new co-host and they stopped the Kelly and welcome dr. Kelly to the show
it's so great to be here dr. April yeah for having me again and again to Kelly you know what today is well there has been so much social media that's been going on you know if that has especially with everything that's going on between the coronavirus politics and if I didn't think that is really impact how we deal with relationships and so that's out topic today it's dealing with social media and emotional intimacy
I'm looking forward to this I believe it will not only help our viewers but it'll help ourselves definitely yes yes yes even to the topic of social media we're going to do a little commercial but when we come back we will have an expert that will help us guide us through with all the social media and what we should do next okay
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I like thanks for the sponsor a kid shampoo and conditioner so now let's talk about social media and what's going on and how that impacts our relationship so today I'm honored to have an expert in the field of this her name is Doctor Jada hi welcome. To Jada
thank you hello doctor April and October Kelly a little bit about dr. Jada Jackson she's actually an author and the therapist just like Kelly and I and she's actually talk show host she heard focuses mainly on communication training emotional growth purpose for living professional development and she's done so much is the president of total Life Counseling Center she's also license in Dallas and it texts and she's also working with counseling psychology professionals and she also works with the National Basketball Association in the National Basketball Players Association and I guess what the major leagues in the w w e the wrestling Association yet so she and she deals with also a lot of celebrities and that kind of stuff so welcome so much
thank you dr. evil I appreciate that great enchiladas. That was a lot but thank you
so I'm with you and I'm the topic about social media how employee do you think social media is today
social media is the platform where we communicate we receive upwards of 80 thousand pieces of information per day and much of that information comes through social media and our engagement that way social media has so much power that I say to parents that social media become the third parent in the relationship in some relationships social media becomes the Third Wheel in the relationship and it's very unfortunate because social media can be used for positive but if not carefully used it can be used for negative so it's a powerful forest in relationships and in mental health
do I definitely and I never heard of it as a third party in a relationship but that does me make sense cuz people are missing me when they're upset or happy they go to the social media instead of connecting with their partner
absolutely an in and when you when you think about it and you all know this when we look at our basic fundamental needs connectivity is that third tier of Maslow's hierarchy of needs right we have to have it we have to connect we need that socialization in order for us to feel whole because we are human beings and we are social creatures we need the companionship of others we need the support to thrive we need our relationships and our connections to be extremely strong in order for us to be successful whether it's professionally relationally or even personality right but when it comes to social media I believe that there is a barrier that prevents us from having healthy relationships via social media there for Wii
are more susceptible to negative self-concept or low self-esteem if you already have a diagnosis of anxiety and depression it exacerbates anxiety and depression symptoms so we find ourselves in an interesting conundrum here there's an interesting dichotomy that takes place where we want to engage with others and it feels good to do that but at the same time it may be at the expense of having healthy relationships maybe it's the expensive I'm having a healthy relationship with oneself
I definitely yeah yeah cuz I think I also like you were you were stating we look at it maybe as comparing on a chair Kelly do you have anything about that in some stuff well actually I'm in pain from Instagram you know it's like to 47 Constance like it's not medication it's just entertainment and uses to thinking I'm uses to not think people just don't want to think they want to use themselves and so I remember when it used to be fun, right you got nail
you got so much mail and then of course we're talking about social media platforms like Facebook and Instagram and now we have Tik Tok and I'm sure there's something coming on the heels of it I'm curious what you think about that doctor Jada yes now there are so many and it's interesting that you bring that up I'm dr. Kelly because the reality is is technology is constantly evolving we have the big players right we have the Tik Tok and we have Facebook and Facebook actually I mean it's not as big as the Instagram and Snapchat and working with teens and and younger young adults I'm telling you there is a whole subculture of platform that I learn something new every time I come in contact with one of my clients on my boy decide what is that I need to know what that one is so
are so many new ones that are coming to the surface and many of them for all of you parents who are listening most of them are too kind of have a covert life so the parents can't find out right and so that's something for some of the negative experiences that come along with just being involved with social media I think dr. Kelly you mentioned another great point you know when you think about one's appearance or one who like you know there's always this comparison that takes place in and naturally you know that's how the brain works right we have to have some form of comparison to be able to make sense of the information that our brains are taking it right so when we view certain information we have to have a place to put it when it comes to see Instagram for example or everything is vision
and now you has funny my husband calls it the creatures you know you can you can put the filter on and you can literally morph into this creative being and if it's you know it's flattering but it's unusual and it's it's visually appealing and there's all sorts of emotions that are attached attached to those visuals so what's happening is our brains are trying to process this information and what happens if we try to say okay so what does that mean for me what does that mean for my appearance what does that mean for my life and we try and make sense of it in and we can't because we can't compete with filters we can't and I believe some people are trying it's funny
I read an article where a young woman went to a plastic surgeon and she wanted she took up a filter a Snapchat filter and ask the surgeon if she could look like this or he could make her look like that and I just thought wow that's what this is coming to we're being impacted on such a level where we have a discontentment with who we are where we're going in life are we enough and we ever measure up and that cycle of constant negativity can only impact our relationships in an unhealthy way right definitely
oh yeah I was just going to say what you're saying is it's on it's on point because then we decide not to even like how we look I self or anything about relationships and emotional intimacy we first start with that about ourselves we've got to have that connection with us else before we can really cannot truly with other people yeah so dr. Kelly where were you about to say
I wanted to know if either of you have seen a rise in body dysmorphia within your clients or you know even not like we would diagnose friends or we don't diagnose as a licensed therapist and psychologist but have you seen a rise in body dysmorphia
I definitely have some in my teens for sure and it's in 10 and it it comes along with us severe depression extreme anxiety and it's a it's a problem so much so you know when I asked apparent how much screen time does a child have and they say oh we don't have a limit on screen time won't to me that's a problem because remember the more screen time the more information the more interaction with potentially negative information so and negative relationships so it can be a challenging body dysmorphia is an issue anyway but I believe that the visuals of what we're saying today with filters and with Instagram it just increases it for sure
okay right definitely so we're going to take a small break but when we come back we're going to talk more about how this negative impact of social media and what we're seeing and how it even affects our relationships besides herself but I'll relationship with others will be back in a moment
to feel empowered love secured respected as fired in these uncertain times if so dr. April a licensed mental health counselor and relationship and sex therapist who specializes in intimacy can help you whether you were in need of inside and skills to work through a struggling relationship through couples counseling or to understand your anxiety or depression and individual counseling or to figure out your life goals and coaching dr. April compassion and expertise can assist you and these areas also she provides services for emotional support animal documentation supervision and workshop in addition dr. April has a group practice called Cape Coral therapist Cape Coral therapist has an awesome team of male and female mental health therapists who specialize in various areas including mental health Christian Counseling trauma addiction immigration and sports counseling and are ready to
servu the Cape Coral therapist team which is rated 5-star on Google reviews is known as the Dream Team because of their energy and passion for therapy and determination to provide you with the effective and solution-focused counseling for you and your family in a safe and confidential environment for more information on how you can schedule an appointment in person or virtually with dr. April or any of the therapist at Cape Coral therapist please call 239-565-6921 and you are welcome to visit Doctor April's website ww.w. Dr. April braun.com and www.capecoral.net. Com you can follow dr. April on LinkedIn at dr. April Brown you can follow Cape Coral therapist on Facebook at Cape Coral therapy just remember April and her team of therapist and resources can help you strengthen your intimate connections
yourself your loved ones your community and your higher power
welcome back to the van and it's Missy show where intimacy is real so today we have been talking with dr. Jada Jackson and dr. Kelly Boucher about emotional intimacy and social media and we were just finishing up about how it affects our spouse continually but now I would like to go into more about how it affects relationship and dr. J the first let's define what is emotional intimacy absolutely it can be defined as us really opening ourselves up to connect in a deeper capacity with another person so that's it kind of in layman terms is us being completely genuine open and authentic emotionally and not to be in the way of sharing information sharing Secrets talking about Sears really availing ourselves as someone may be in a time of crisis when we're going through
something that's being full maybe sharing traumas I'm so if connecting with someone else on an emotional level
right okay and so when we're talking about social media how has that in Impact specially out intimate relationships and that aspect yes absolutely so this is where it gets a little sticky and I believe this is where the rubber meets the road because believe it or not social media allows us to be people who we are not and so what do I mean by that we get to create whatever narrative we want and even if we are not comfortable sharing information with people that we are close to for some reason social media and these platforms allow people to have the anonymity to share whatever it is they want to share or they can assume a certain character a certain role they can be someone who they don't have the courage to be otherwise and so
if you are looking for a relationship if you are looking for connectivity is easy to find it on social media so let's just say you are married and you reconnect with an old flame reconnect with someone from high school and I have seen this so much I cannot believe how people are rekindling relationship with you know someone they had a crush on in high school or someone they had a crush on in college but all of us
if you didn't work in high school what makes them think it would work now
I'm curious you know that that's a great question but remember when people are desperate or when people are unhappy and you you all know this when people are in a feeling that boy you would think that there's a rational component they are the where a healthy decision can be made but unfortunately that's not the case with a large variety of people I can remember so my research study was on the acquisition of self concept and in that study one of the things we looked at was how can people acquire or if people can acquire self-concept and where does it come from how do we feel engage in healthy and have a healthy view of oneself and so what component of that had to do with
are we engaged with social media how we looked at relationships and how we look at potential mates through the lens of social media I believe information Gets Lost in Translation as it relates to social media so we're not getting the true and exact every time so when I read an article about the number one reason for divorce is at that time at that time it was money and recently I read another report that says it's not meeting one's expectation or not the filling the void however here was what struck out for me
social media and Facebook and Instagram were noted in most of the attorneys filings and that was interesting because in some way social media had impacted their ultimate decision to terminate the marriage and so when were looking at something with this much power we have to look at how are people connecting and people are developing deep emotional Intimate Relationships through these technological platform and they're opening up and allowing people to get into those enter those private spaces that they wouldn't normally allow
and some of it you can't even trust
correct correct
that's all I'm saying once
Play It Again Kelly I didn't hear you I have been catfished and yeah I was catfished it took three days I did a reverse image lookup if it's too good to be true it might be and it was so anyway
I was little bit embarrassed but you know yeah I almost fell into that yeah and what's that is many of our young people on teams are falling into that trap as well which is why I really encourage parents to know exactly who their children are connecting with an it's not just girls it's boys too and it's just really important to recognize that as wonderful I use social media because it's a great platform for my business and it's a great opportunity for me to keep up with family members but there's also some rules that go along with protecting yourself protecting your family protecting your children protecting yourself concept but also protecting your identity in your images
and who you are I think it's so very important and it's sending those healthy boundaries and it's making sure that listen just because a person says that they're interested in you what are they interested in are they interested in the picture that they speak well of course that's a problem even on the dating sites what do we know what is one before I have friends who used dating sites and they're married until this day you know when it's been great but there's a large percentage of people who are not looking for healthy relationship or they're they're putting out there where they're displaying themselves not 100% accurate so you have to be careful of that so I think that the important takeaway in the important message here is to guard your emotional well-being and guard your children guard your family but use social media for what it's worth
and protect that space of intimacy not everyone should be invited into that emotional intimate space with you do you sometimes find the clients sometimes don't even realize how social media is affecting them you know them say
yeah yeah absolutely where you going to say something Kelly
yeah I was just listen we it's become such a part of our lives and I even hate to say this but I'm part of it like if I can't find my phone on my first my phone you know I didn't panic and then I'm like what I need my phone for a while I just wanted to make sure that I that nothing happened to it like it's just this thing and I'm like okay so now when I leave my office and sometimes I'll leave my phone in my office and I can because I have to separate now work from home and Play-Doh making those decisions but when were talking about social media were talking about healthy relationships you know we have to learn to love in a smarter healthier more emotional way but making sure
in the present when were exactly yes yes cuz sometimes the fellows make us feel like we're would not present when we were having a conversation cuz we're so busy being on the phone correct correct and it's hard not to do that you know I I I would get on my husband I'm like you know pay attention when I'm talking to you or don't look at the the intellivision on my husband he can leave his phone somewhere he never knows where his phone is here but when it comes to the television that's another that's another issue look at me when I'm too but what he says to me as he's like Jada put the phone down so you know it's just being very much aware and in twos to the needs of the relationship been and being willing to recognize that hey yeah I have to set boundaries with myself
and I need to set expectations for others as it relates to social media remember we engage at the level we engage in relationships at the level of our self-esteem
and how we view ourselves is how we engage with other people and we have to like literally if they post something and they don't get enough likes it really slaves them teenagers become adults but mostly teenagers and and there's one on every venue
yep yep and it is sad to know that if your self-esteem or your self-concept is connected to likes what can you imagine the emotional rollercoaster that a person would be on every few minutes and then I've actually had this conversation with a parent not too long ago because she said oh my God my child took a look at her phone and she's in a happy mood 1 minute and then she's like a terror the next minute and she says I can't keep up with the emotions and unfortunately that you know how it works when we're connected to a social media and it drives our emotions it drives our level of intimacy with people and with others that means we are we have a low E2 right we have low emotional intelligence and I believed that social media
is making a fool out of some of the best and it's unfortunate but it's very very true
yes we're going to take a small break here and Doctor Jackson's going to give us some information about what she does and provide and then we come back we're going to talk about tips and get some calls from the audience if you're out there and you have questions you can call one 880-627-6008 so please let us know what services you provide for us
absolutely well I am the President of total Life Counseling in Dallas and we have a number of therapist and coaches and we provide mental health counseling for depression anxiety bipolar disorder but we also offer coaching for those who don't feel that they need deep therapeutic clinical counseling then maybe they just need someone to come alongside of them and Coach them through life transitions we offer that as well we Mi also I'm have a podcast so yeah I'd love for anyone listening to follow me on Instagram see I'm using the social media now at dr. Jada lmhc and get all the information about my podcast about my life coaching masterclasses if you're interested in becoming a life coat that love to train you and come along
side of you and teach you all of the ins and outs of what that might look like for you
why thank you so much for letting us know all day in death things that you do so earlier you were talking about some tips I know one of the tips you mention is that parents need to set time limits on their child's phone in that kind of stuff I wonder what do you also think about everybody sharing passwords and specially the passwords of your kids and maybe husband and wife what are your thoughts about that and it any other tips absolutely you know there's so many strong emotions as it relates to social media and connecting with other people because remember what's Happening Here is social media brings people into our intimate spaces so I do believe there's nothing wrong with having passwords that you share having like parents
they have all of the passwords for their children when their children turn 18 and can pay for their own cell phone bill and whatever then we can think about having private pass will words but right parents are your Stewart's over children and it's their responsibility to know exactly who their child is connecting with what kind of information is being passed from one place to another so that's very important when it comes to marriage has I believe in kind of the open door policy now what I don't necessarily agree with is snooping and you know if you have an obsession about what your partner is doing because you are insecure because of your own work that you have to do then do your work but don't forget your anxiety and your
discomfort on to the relationship that's unhealthy so I personally believe there's nothing wrong with sharing passwords
I think that I've often said in it to some of my marriage consiliis I say you ought to be able to switch phones for the day and
you know I mean other than like this work phone but y'all be able to say oh hey you know
you can you switch you literally switch phones for the day now that probably wouldn't be a problem for you. To Jada Jackson cuz your husband's phone is probably you know he's sitting on it but I mean you know it's like where is it you have to call it make sure it's not on vibrate but should be able to switch phones but it shouldn't send you into a nervous like anxiety attack at the thought of somebody else having your phone
absolutely I think that's a great point. Because even all the way down to computers like I mean I can go and hop on my husband's computer I know his password and I can hide don't do it but I could if I wanted to win in vice versa you know if he needs my laptop and my guests over there you know it just doesn't dawn on me to feel like I have to hide anything however I will say years ago I dated someone
and I mean he would not like I could not get close to that phone and I said something is wrong with something is wrong with this situation and of course I found out later there was something terribly wrong but the way he guarded that phone in the way it was just like no but he wouldn't let that phone off and you we would go on date and hit lock it in the glove compartment
so I'm like yeah yes but no see your relationship and when we can listen up from an emotional place to the needs of our partners and we can say hey it makes me feel uncomfortable when it would make me feel more comfortable if you know you don't being prepared to work on the relationship in and exchanged different ways that we can minimize the anxiety as it relates to the relationship is very important we actually have a question this kind of on this topic here it's from Julie from text she said she met her boyfriend on Instagram and he used to like her pictures a lot but now she sees that he's liking other girls pictures
H-E-B concern
see how God so the reality is I always say I say this and so this is twofold first of all how ever you can meet someone
that's how they are if he met you Julie by liking your pictures and of course he's doing that somewhere else like, however if in fact you're in the same city you get to know this person and all of a sudden he says well you know what yeah I did and you guys are going to commit to do something different you want to give it a try or a chance there's nothing wrong with seeing where it goes but don't expect him to do something different if that's the way that you you met him that's the first thing the second thing is I go back to what I said before remember we engage in relationships at the level of our self-esteem so if for whatever reason you met this guy and him liking your pictures did something for you I would say question yourself and in what
did he fulfill for you is it that he liked your pictures and it made you feel good and more it made you so beautiful that made you feel accepted it made you feel worthy it made you feel validated it made you feel in the blank then I would say there's a deeper level of connectivity that you would have to come to to really look deeper
exactly yes other people's but not your own like if they're not liking your pictures but is it equal like you said I like what you said. After that it how you met them is how they are like if they are liking things on Facebook and that's part of who they are but good red flag would be taking your stuff now you know what does that mean and what does what does that look like it is a social media is really really tough but when it comes to say marriages you know there has to be some communication you know think before you post you know if you were in a really serious relationship think before you like what mess because remember every move that we make on social media unfortunately sends a message it it says
who we are it says what we believe it says what we like it says what we don't like it it it it speaks a very strong message you know one of the biggest fights that one of my couples had was over the husband liking twerking videos on Instagram that was a huge deal what's wrong with me watching twerking video it's the implication it's implying that there's something about this it's highly sexual for one you know what start their you know but then these women the wife brought in some of the videos you know these women were half-dressed you know so there's an implicated that imp
it's being able to really say is this necessary is there a deeper issue here are you not being fulfilled is this part of your intimacy physical intimacy level in your relationships and what does all of this this mean I definitely we have one question this is Veronica clip from California and she said she feels alone in her marriage she has two kids she's trying to do everything and she sees her husband on the phone all the time how do I get his attention
take the phone and throw it in to throw it into the Bay San Francisco you know again that is so tough and that's where were we have to talk about do do you need a mediator to start light do you need couples counseling marital counseling and to see what is he using it for because some people use social media and the phone to get away and took everything out to escape correct and so if that's the case then that's a problem especially if you have two children I don't know how much a quality time with family is spending together but there has to be you know put the phone down and
no spend more quality time together or no work with a mediator work with a marital counselor who can help you navigate because you can't make him do anything by buying exactly and it's not all job or is that the job of her wife or husband to try to change someone right right right
if you agree to have a media have someone who can help you work through the deeper issues than that may be helpful definitely will thank you so much for being on the show yes you've been awesome yes and so a people are looking to connect with you what is some ways that they can connect with you. To Jada absolutely first of all I say please follow me on Instagram and that's that doctor Jada s d r j a d a lmhc which is licensed mental health counselor and then at Jada Jackson. Cam is my website and just my first and last name Jada Jackson. Com or they can of course follow me on all of the social media platforms whether it's Twitter now I'm talking about social media now and fix it
it is I went to your Instagram and I started following you and then I found a link and listen to an hour podcast from 2018 and I really enjoyed it so I'm so pleased to have met you I appreciate that you can get to all of my links from Instagram all you have to do is follow me on Instagram and click on the link and everything comes up yes an offer and you're also an author I didn't fail to mention but I think you've been a couple of books I've been very helpful yes yes for people with self-developing and that kind of stuff and for relationships and how to succeed yes yes yes my book is on Amazon and dr. Jada Jackson
frame and so yeah the end and that's the whole idea of Shifting one's perspective to develop a great success massive success so in whatever area of one's life if you want to develop professionally personally relationally we can do that by just shifting our perspective ever-so-slightly and that's what the book is about a sound thank you. To Jada for being on the show a very good Friday 2021 and one of them is having dr. Kelly official as a host here and so I want to get you guys to have an introduction to dr. Kelly. The hell you want to say anything
well I just wanted to say well I'll say a couple things about myself but I wanted to mention something and I'll leave it in with dr. Jackson I forgot did you go by dr. Jade or dr. Jackson dr. J. Good idea I like that. I like your style I've did I read some of your intro on Amazon book and also the podcast and I like how I sent if you were about your childhood and I just think that's part of who I am you had mentioned that you know it was a real Rocky you didn't use the word Rocky not like Rocky but but it was a tough childhood and you really use that and look at it and also your face you're so bold about your face and those were two things that made me want to follow you on Instagram and
am I just a little bit about myself I was born at a young age and Michigan and that's a joke but anyway I must win unless I like those are some interesting things about myself I when I was 8 years old I heard the words love in a sentence for the very first time and I have never heard the word love in a sentence then I was 8 years old and not that I can recall and someone said Jesus loves you and I said wow
someone loves you it just like in that it was Jesus and then you know so that was the first time until is an eight-year-old girl I heard that and my life changed that day I'm not perfect and anybody that knows there is bad to live with me or be in the car when I'm driving they know I'm not but he is what I strive for and then intimacy and that means into me you see and sew dr. April when you asked me last month am I willing to be vulnerable well I wasn't always willing to do that and now I'm at a part in my life where I'm willing to share who I am and some of what is built into my life in order to encourage other people and I couldn't be more pleased that it's on your show
after April because you've been an important friend of mine for over 10 years now so thank you for having a truly I look forward to laughing with you went after Jada was talking I felt like somebody was watching me and I was like oh wait I'm being photobombs by Frosty here but I just wanted to say it really is a pleasure in a situation because you said that I could be myself and that's what I want to do and I think that we should all be ourselves and not let social media to find her
yes thank you so much and I'm so happy to have you on this show so thank you definitely and if anyone is listening and you thinking you want to know more about relationships are struggling relationships you want to be in a relationship this is the show for you and I want to finish and go back a little bit about dr. Jada's bunch here just to see it yes the good book that I think about it I've been reading it and it's a great book thank you ladies so much for this show today I wish all of you a merry Merry Christmas IM have time with your family and I stopped to Jada has said and even as we were talking we all have our phones we all have our social media but many times we don't have a family and this is a season where been a tough year guys for all of us we've all had losses it's not had lost its myself so what I'm trying to do this season is making sure that I spend quality time with my family
be fully present here them you know if beads on a bowl if necessary if it's a safe environment but the most important is supposed to be present and be thankful
yes yes well this is been to bring intimacy back so please follow us on YouTube on Twitter and listen for our next to know and we'll be going weekly starting in 2020 what I'd like to thank you