Every Day Peace with Dr Dravon James, January 11, 2022
Every Day Peace with Dr Dravon James
Self-Care and Narcissistic Abuse with Mary Joye
Mary Joye, a solution-focused therapist, helps you learn to listen to yourself and make connections and valuable, nonjudgmental corrections that can elevate your life.
In today’s busy world it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and disconnected. Dr Dravon James helps to inspire, empower, and educate people to live the life of their dreams. Focusing on health, wealth, and relationships, Dr. James offers strategies that work for everyday life.
how can we embrace one another in spite of or either because of our differences join Unity on January 17th for the inspirational conversation in celebration of rev Dr Martin Luther King jr. this free online event will be led by rev Sunshine Day and espanol and will feature inspiring commentary from Reverend dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith learn how we can seek progress not Perfection which is due today unity.org discover the power within online radio.org the voice of an Awakening world<br>Empower yourself and get inspired to build the life of your dreams welcome to Everyday peace with dr. dravon James<br> hello and welcome to our first live show of 2022 Happy New Year I'm Dr.Dre Bond James and this is the everyday pisho I'm super excited to be here with you today as we explore the concept of living a life of Peace everyday piece to find is wholeness completeness nothing missing nothing broken totality my goodness I'm super super charge every time I say that and wow 2021 was quite a year right we had so many great guests on a show last year we had great dialogue between our guest in our listeners and as you know<br> our theme of 2021 was what are we waiting for and the answer to a lot of Discovery self-discovery a lot of dialogue and opening up different parts of ourselves we know that we are not waiting for anything the answer is absolutely nothing is so as we turn our attention to our new year new year we get congratulations everybody here we are at the start of a brand new year in a brand-new you and a brand-new maybe get to Define who and what we want to be so we turn our attention to this 2022 and I have been reflecting on the last couple of years and our focus of what our Focus would be for 2022 via SLI the pandemic has had a dramatic impact on our lives over the last couple years and on our hearts and your hearts go out to our friends and family members who have been impacted by the Omicron or new variant of<br> Corvette in 2021 we encourage our everyday peacemakers to use the opportunity to work on themselves to take all of the year<br> to work on ourselves to get ourselves to our next level of greatness and I'm so proud of the work that we did last year I really am we did a lot of work and you know I actually don't like the word work cuz it sounds like hard but I think we did last self care we did a lot of educating we grew a lot and so as I think of 2022 I think about what a great opportunity we have to leverage that work there's that word again that we've done last year to have a real impact on our lives right we're moving forward as we all focus on personal development at personally development as we develop as each and everyone of us develops so our increased development causes the world to develop and grow and that's what we want and so in 2022 that's what we're going to focus on Social Development but as I think about the year ahead I'm certain that we have what it takes right now right now to move forward to the lives you want but this in mind I am pleased<br> announce drumroll are theme of the 2022 is it's time to improve my life<br> read could we use some improvements and whatever area you want to improve a right it's time to improve my life I put the thing in the first person because I want all of the everyday peacemakers to take personal accountability for changing your life for the better right if it's got to be is up to me I'm stepping up to this challenge in my own life I'm asking you to step up to this challenge in your life can you imagine how great we're going to feel at the end of this year when we have been proved some part of her life how amazing so what do you think are you ready to make 2022 your best year yet I know you are I know I am too so let's not wait let's get started right now we got a fabulous year of guests for us we're picking up the baby at Fabolous yesterday but talk about improving our life so first I have I want you to know that I have developed a free absolutely free<br> a five-day boot camp called earn like a boss how about that for a poop in your life and guess what the boot camp is a 1 hour and night from 7 to 8 p.m. eastern time and it teaches the five steps to thinking like a boss to increase your earning potential in 2020 to hear the great news the kickoff for that boot camp is today January 10th is our first day of the boot camp is absolutely free if you have not already signed up I encourage you to do so it's going to be in just a few hours from now at 7 p.m. Eastern so it was going to be over resume is absolutely free so don't waste any time if you haven't signed up go to my website which is dr. Dre Bond James. Cam what a wonderful excuse to go over there and check out that website I'm really proud of the job they did with that registers right at dr. Dre Bond James. Call I'm going to come right up and say you want to attend tonight's Boot Camp Kern like a boss improving your finances<br> how about it that's the way to go right so if you're on Instagram or Facebook you can find me at Doctor Trevon James and you can just click the link beer in my profile and join us for this free boot camp tonight it's easy to sign up is going to be a lot of fun is going to be informative that mention it was free is actually think you don't want to wait you're going to learn so much you're going to laugh you're going to learn you're going to grow I can't think of a better way to kick off 2022 so earn like a boss what a way to improve s let's talk about 20 22 goals we ended our year or last two shows we dedicated to being able to set goals why was that so important well remember<br> we talked about at the beginning of 2021 we said that 91% of all goals fail a resolution failed but ours will not because we have the secret sauce on how to make that how to make our goals work so we talked about the importance of setting your annual goals in 2022 if you have not set your goals for 2020 to I strongly encourage you to go back listen to those shows the last two shows you'll be amazed at how much you're going to get from that there is great information that will provide you including about you with tips and tools including some homework exercises so you can be effective with setting actual goals in 2022 that will be successful that you will hit the target so you can access that shut those shows in all of our shows by subscribing to Dr.Dre Bond James everyday piece podcast on Apple Spotify Google play Stitcher or you can listen right here on the unity online radio. Org website<br> you can also access content regarding everything everyday piece by visiting the doctor dravon james.com website and you can get information of all the free things we got out there we are amazing free courses out there to improve self self-esteem to improve self-confidence remember this is the year that we that we improve an area of our life so all things are about Improvement so if you have your 2022 goals congratulations let's talk about the next step as we discussed last year I want you to know again that we make our goals in three categories to be successful that is to help category the wealth category and the relationship category so you write down your goals in those categories and you pick one goal from each category have your top three that you're going to work from and that's going to help you to increase your your success rate I want you to think about the kind of person you want to end<br> free to to achieve those goals in 2022 so we're going to be working on a lot of a lot of areas and in that in regards to that so I want to bring out without any further than what we talked about goals and Improvement All Year guys get excited about moving actually doing the work to move to your next level of greatness and today we have a fabulous guest with us going to help us do some wonderful self working if it's if it's up to me I keep saying this is got to be so we going to get started right here first live show are amazing guess is Mary Joy she's been with us before I'm so excited to welcome Mary Joy as our first guests today she is a repeat guest we don't we bring a guest back why because it was wonderful information and we couldn't fit it all in there and I do hear from you guys so thank you when you email me and you get on my website and you talked about it yet so Mary Joy is back by popular demand she is a solution focused therapist she helps you to<br> learn to listen to yourself and make connections and viable non-judgmental Corrections that can elevate your life she's with us today to talk about both self-care codependency narcissistic abuse these topics are so important Mary Joy welcome back to the show<br> thank you dr. Dre Von James everything you said resonated with me that you were just talking about is that to improve your life this year and I hope that we help people do that today I'm so glad to be back and so honored to help serve your audience and hope everyone is enjoying a better New Year being our first live show of the year so much fits into our theme of the year because we do want to improve these areas and there are talking about codependency today and since you were on art show last I cannot tell you how many people have reached out to me to talk about this topic at which is really prevalent I'm codependency and how almost crippling it can be for a lot of people who are these extreme people Pleasers it seems like but it goes even deeper than that what what how does one know if you're codependent<br> the very beginning<br> will increase I'm going to just Define codependency very briefly and then I'll just give you a list of a few sent them so people can relate to it briefly it's when you lose your sense of self or yourself and caring about others that manifest in people pleasing approval-seeking you know for apologizing saying yes when you mean no and no one you mean yet sometimes of the other Spectrum remote controlling codependent it's best I know what's best for you and they give ultimatums the name nag and they turn people into project and these are all related around a fear of Abandonment is staying attached to people in maladaptive way hopefully that makes sense to someone out there cuz if you say yes when you mean no and no one you mean yes and feel really guilty when you tell someone you can't do something and you give out into your burnout you might be codependent<br> and I love the fact that you offered that is codependent who is controlling cuz a lot of times we don't think of that baby think of codependency as being as you said yes to everything people-pleasing but I love the fact that you said that sometimes they really feel like they have the answer for everybody for everything and that is a way of them trying to control the environment so they can I guess maybe keep people around them you know also do yeah yeah it isn't it is that you know when I was researching different forms of codependency is it oh my goodness there's this there's a spectrum are constellation for this and that they are the most difficult to treat as clients because they self avoid more off and it's all the form of self a voice both both the doormat and the controller are avoiding dealing with exactly what you talked about before the show and its living the life they want they don't live their own life they're trying to live through others or four others or with others but not<br> they want in a relationship to others which is very different when you're just trying to live vicariously through someone or for someone and they did do the more controlling kind turns people into projects they rescue and they're famous for giving unsolicited advice like just telling you what you should do with your life and they have no idea what they're doing with their to add some humor in but yes if we could all just you know cut back on the invisible gavels and if someone ask for advice then give it to them but if they don't then they haven't asked for it yet<br> yeah and that you're the one that's so interesting right but I love the fact that you bring this up that on this codependent at this extremely well. Are they all I guess they're all practices of a boy is right there a different tactic to do it because the people Pleasers overly involved in someone else's life to write interrupt you I know that phone like sometimes the one thing I learned I learned it 3/4 the way through writing my book which is sort of scary that you're writing something and you have and not enough Tiffany maybe but a revelation I would call it a revelation about three-quarters of the way riding it I said oh my goodness codependency no matter which end of the spectrum is on or everything in between<br> is a form of self-harm if you're allowing other people to take over your life<br> it's a form of self-harm it was truly is and I had to step back from that and I took a few days off from writing and I said I really want to explore that because either codependent or any thing in between it is harming themselves when they're not taking time to improve their own life and take time to self care and be self-aware<br> they've usually been taught since childhood they have to give of themselves and they can't really do anything they want they're sort of giving to others without any regard to themselves and neglect themselves<br> oh I'm going to love this show and for anyone who's codependent or out there stick with us all year because this is this theme is really going to help you because it's time to improve my life not my neighbor's life not my spouse's life not my best friend's wife my life right and so that having to go back and deal with the self avoidance right and stop this form of self-harm when you said that way of self-harm and really sore resonated with me in that the seriousness of this when it is a full form of self-harm and it when I don't know why when I when you said the phrase the first thing that popped in my head was people who don't inflict wounds on them self you know as well and so they're inflicting this physical pain but that's the image that I had<br> when you said this is a form of self-harm this individual is engaging in activities and practices that are going to bring them harm and they are doing it over and over and over again and I want the worst offender I absolutely was one of the worst offenders of this and I had a lot of questions and it put me on a quest to figure out what was going on in my brain there's there's really a trinity to this there's a Body Mind and Spirit approach to it and that holistic approach is so important because when I had that Revelation just like you said you saw someone cutting themselves that's exactly what I saw when I was writing this book I said this is like someone is just taking a knife to their emotional life and cutting their own life up with emotional abuse allowing other people do to you you until your abused or abnormal uses would have usually made<br> I wish they'd stay with the word Billy needs cuz that's where it came from It's a combination of abnormal used if you're allowing someone then you are harming yourself and directly by allowing someone to do that you wouldn't just stand there and let someone hit you you don't stand there and let some of the little be right into me and you though many codependence do that they absolutely do and that's what people need to step back and start evaluating it's okay for them to live their own life that's right your life when you say my life improve my life you don't have to improve everyone else is around you to approve you or you don't have to be trapped in other people's illness has addictions anything you can you can love people from a distance from a therapeutic distance you can hold space for other people without giving them all of your space as one codependent said to me so beautifully put you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep everybody else<br> forum<br> wow and wow and you're saying all this in my heart is going out for people who are in this position but I see how the culture<br> sort of applauds that behavior in the north are so selfless over there so giving and so that even to me traps to trap them in this Behavior even further because you know I don't know if you said this like I'm some eyes in this so you correct me on this but it seems like this self avoidance and this just allowing this form of self-harm getting overly involved in somebody else's life is like people Gathering to keep people around you maybe you're avoiding me like you're avoiding your selfies and self-employment to keeping people ready<br> yep thank you so much people do more people applaud you as being oh you're so giving all your that is that encourages this very dangerous dangerous Behavior yes you know I love how you put that it's I'm smiling and Delight I wish people could see it that is exactly our society love selfless people which means you have less of yourself it also condone bravado and narcissism so do you see how codependence a narcissist I always say they can find each other in the dark if you put a thousand people in a room and one is codependent and one's a narcissist and you turn out the light they'll find each other because one is seeking attention or being selfless and the other one is seeking attention to have their selfish needs met so what a dynamic if they're not aware of their dysfunction and maladaptation they're both driven by fear of abandonment<br> and they started to develop this parasitic very toxic relationship literally toxic it releases a lot of chemicals and causes a trauma bond which is what a narcissistic codependent relationship is made up it feels like love but it's a trauma Bond so hopefully that touch someone's heart out there to understand you don't have to stay miserable if you're miserable in a relationship really miserable or someone's farming you and you feel like I always hear the sentence but I love him but I love him or but I love her but I love her that might not be loved it may be a trauma Bond o'hea so we are getting into the whole meat of this discussion which is why I really wanted you to come back is because you have such a good way of speaking in layman's terms and making this very easy to reintroduce a relatively new term I want to say it was not a term that was in my vocabulary as a regular word until recent years I think there's been a lot of<br> talking and listen to about narcissistic behavior but I got to tell you what I first heard about it I had no idea what it was so can you just tell for the four of us knows who may be as ignorant as I was a few years ago what what is a narcissistic personality type what is that<br> dirt dirt narcissistic personality and then there's narcissistic personality disorder and the disorder is a severe form of it and it's those people have a sense of entitlement they wait other people they have a need for admiration their grandiose they only want to be around special unicorn unquote special and unique people they're highly jealous or think people are jealous of them and they truly will use other people to their own and they have very little empathy but they use people to their own Advantage now narcissistic people may have one of those or two of those crates and some areas and it's very it's very difficult to say someone has narcissistic personality disorder that there's there's a specific set of rules and guidelines for that being a therapist or psychologist as you know on the same token it was really scary I heard some talk I'm I'm I don't have the exact research on who said<br> how it happened but they almost took narcissistic personality disorder out of the DSM-5 with your star diagnostic manual because when something becomes prevalent and accepted in society they take it out so they consider modifying it which is scary because they're just let me put it real layman's terms as you said they're just selfish of self-absorbed jerk to just hurt people and they don't have any empathy for you and they're happy when you're sad they just absolutely enjoy you<br> satellite around them and being part of their Entourage and they use people for fuel as you codependent but in a different way I called codependency narcissism in Reverse is narcissistic absorbed in themselves and co-dependent serves or with other people and then you see how that Twisted Dynamic forms a bond that is not easily broken unless you can see it<br> wow it's so yeah they're both getting what they like a parasitic relationship but I just feels familiar to them which is the root word of familiars family so it usually traces back to something that was rooted in your family dynamic as a child so yes let's test I didn't mean to finish your sentence for you but let's just talk about that a little bit I hope everybody is invited by this conversation is I am because I bet you that well I don't have the numbers in pi don't find me but maybe you know that this is a very prevalent of codependency is very prevalent it is very very prevalent and would you say that these codependents are they suffering do they know that they're that they are self-harming is there an awareness<br> not what I thought I paid for my own State of Mind no I did I was not aware until I just completely gave out until I just had no more to give so I was physically do know they're usually not aware because everybody like you said earlier you're so astute to observe that we stay all day Apollo you're so good oh you're so kind you're so loving you're so giving oh my goodness no I was not aware that I was being exploited or treated lesser than someone else used my talents my skills my time my finances I was so financially abused by my ex-husband it was astronomically unbelievable lost home cars it was awful and and so I had to learn that was my rock bottom cuz it's a lot like a diction is that trauma bond that creates an addictive quality to it that<br> when they're nice to you the dr. Jekyll mr. Hyde they're very nice to you to get what they want and when they extract what they want you feel depleted and then you get angry but you're really angry at yourself for allowing it but that's the part you don't know you want to blame them but you took part in it and taking responsibility. Accountability for taking responsibility for your part in it is when Healing Begins when you start realizing I had something to do with this and you no longer feel like a victim but you start looking for solutions to become better and get your life back and may be there for the first time I know it's a child I was a psychiatrist daughter raised to be an extension of my family's Ms in a lot of abuse has happened to me as a kid and I had to keep all the family secrets quiet and take the fall for everyone that became familiar to me and the Brain six The Familiar in adulthood which is again the root word as family so I had to untwist my familiar brain<br> reactivity that led me to reenact my childhood relationships in my adult hood and it's an everyday process I don't think it ever stops I get tripped up everyday and some way and we're all a work in process so I don't want anybody to feel condemned or like they can never get better cuz every day and every way we have to work at it this is not something you can just turn a switch on and get healing from a long time ago I have to go to a commercial break return after this with Mary Joy the book is codependent Discovery recovery 2.0 an amazing book more after this break<br> thanks for joining us this is Unity online radio. Org the voice of an Awakening wardrobe<br> create and build a life of your dreams welcome back to every Dave East with Dr drayvon James welcome back to our show we're talking today with therapist author Mary Joy who's winning the book codependent Discovery and Recovery 2.0 a holistic approach to healing and freeing yourself and I was saying to her were talking to an appraisal I actually ordered the book and I've been reading it and it is just so it's so fascinating I opening it really my goodness I can't say I encourage everyone get this book read this book find out if this is the reason why you're so tired and depleted find out if your relationships with others of could be a little bit strained because that you are in a trauma bonding<br> situation and then lastly find out how to disentangle yourself little gentle kind way and how to love on yourself into this is this is our thing this year it's time to improve my life we're using it in the first person because I want you to put yourself in there I want you to say that phrase and I want you to get this book because I know that if this is something that you are struggling with World Mary Joy is living proof of she was with someone who was struggling with codependency to she's written a book in such easy friendly language it is a page-turner to me so I know of your page turns other people too so it's not like a technical read or anything like that just really a good good book so we're talking to you and I doing the break something you said before the break and I didn't go back to but I want to I'm you use the word abuse and you pronounced it a vuse abnormal use<br> and yes when you said that my brains are firing on all cylinders because when you said that and you combined it with no talking about codependents codependency is a form of self-harm so I think there's some twisting somewhere when an individual doesn't realize that they are being abnormally used either there's harsh talk towards them if they just keep you mention that that you know they stay around for abusive behavior and and maybe they call that commitment right at the minute they don't realize that you were having your ex you know cause you to lose a home a car in the end of normal use of my funds left my time right and not being able to say that<br> I used to post daily on social media. Remember one year I posted on there and it's just popped in my head to I don't know how but from years ago I posted do not overpay for love don't pay for something that should be free right and that seems like 2019 or something like that but but it seems like codependents are in this place where they feel like they need to offer up something in exchange for love<br> yeah usually ask themselves their whole self to hold being yes I used to be a songwriter and songwriters are Infamous for you know I'll I I'll die for you baby you know who has live without you I can't go on another moment you know this is there are so many codependent songs out there it is unbelievable and I used to write them I was the songwriter for 30 years of Nashville so I certainly understand that Dynamic and it's really sad that we do kind of elevate Selfless Love Without and no one's going to listen to a song that says I love you reciprocally that's the core of withdrawing so co-dependent narcissistic relationship is there both lacking self-confidence<br> they codependent lack self-confidence and self-love and the narcissist secretly hates themselves know it's a co-dependent secretly loves themselves and the best way I can pay the fastest way and it's in the book but I'm just going to give it away here because people need to improve their life when someone comes to me and co-dependent crisis and they've been narcissistically abused and they say I don't know who I am and I don't know what I want I start with two simple exercises I asked them what they don't want<br> and then I put on the other side what they do want I'm writing the opposite they think I'm just taking notes I'm writing it office it if they say they don't want to be abused anymore I just say they want to be in a reciprocal have a relationship with mutual respect opposite cuz they don't know what they want but they actually are telling me what they do want from what they don't want<br> and that exercises in the but then I asked them to give me at least seven traits of an ideal make and they they just look at me with such such confusion I said no. Don't overthink it just right off the top of your head seven traits of an ideal mate that answers the question of who I am because every single time I've ever read that list back to someone and I've done it to myself that's how I developed it just doing it for myself I said that list as me I do love me I do know who I am and I do know what I want but I had to go to the dark side to find delight and so that's what's at the end of every chapter in this book it goes to the the dark side what you learned and bring it into the light and then people are writing their own self help my job is to help people listen to themselves and to help themselves as you said improve my life this will help people know what they do want from what they don't want it's just old fashioned<br> cific deductive reasoning and I tell people thank you for saying it's readable cuz I tell people I read so you don't have to and I researched so you don't have to I can use all the big words but it doesn't help people in crisis it didn't help me so I know I was reading the big words and I had to put them into little words to help me heal his when you're interested you don't need to hear Siri you need action you need you need who have been holding on one from Anna Illinois and we're going to just go and pick up the cars and do this perfectly the start of the New Year guys here we go hello and welcome to our show I'm driving babe on James we have the fabulous Mary Joy with us today thank you for calling in did you have a question or comment<br> and if you're talkin we can't hear you it says you on are but we cannot hear you this is from Anna Illinois can't know if we're going to go to have caller from Missouri<br> hello thank you for holding you on the air with our wonderful guests Mary Joy<br> I don't know what's going to happen to put it back on hold and see if he can come back and pick it up again okay so about the techniques that people can use I think these are wonderful I love giving someone something to do with their time other than sitting here and asking them so how did this happen to me how did this happen to me but I like action of things that's what we're about this year and improving my life so what you don't want but you don't want to seem like a simple question right I don't want this I don't want to be spoken to abrasive Lee I don't want you to lose patience with me I didn't know I don't want to be a band and I'm sure many of them<br> I don't want to be abandoned right they want someone who's going to feel safe in your relationship I don't want to be spoken abrasively to I would translated into I want to be spoken to his kindness and respect as I speak with others you see how you know what you do want from from from the complaining and I know that new thought that don't focus on what you don't want but if that's where you are then Embrace that pain you cannot skip that steps I greet you cannot skip the step of realization of your grief and just move on you have to you have to stay there just a moment and and embrace it and then replace it with what you do want and then your brain erases it it does your brain will do the work for you it's simpler than you might imagine when you just start listening to yourself what you really really want<br> I love that you know you said something I came across a riding by Abraham Hicks and years ago and it said something about when you know what you don't want it helps you to know what you do want and I thought that was so refreshing right so if someone says to you know by process of elimination right as it is to me since I want this I don't want that don't want this well there's some other options on the table. Let me review those other things still to process of elimination I agree with you that and that you're right new thoughts are so don't focus on what you don't want but you don't have to focus on it long once you identify it recognizing it so you can neutralize it can you tell us the songwriter everything I'm doing myself but beautiful problem but but yes it's just helps you recognized the problem<br> you can focus on the solution and I am a solution focused therapist as you mentioned at the introduction and that's what I help people to mean on the rear view mirror it's for a reference guide to look back every now and then but the windshield is huge and the rearview mirror you have to look at the problem in order to solution-focused that you're focusing on the solution and not the problem but you have to recognize the problem so you can solve it<br> so what do you say to it maybe maybe I'm hearing the answer to this in these three questions that you have that you haven't answered but what do you say to people who say that I've talked as many clients will say this but I asked me about boundaries him and what are your boundary is nothing that even the word boundaries soda causes them to tense up they have no idea you know what what boundaries should I have is I don't know you know I always say you know what do you have a hard no like this behavior is absolutely not you know it's an automatic and then I don't know what do you say to people who have bet is that like a sign like maybe you have some codependency is going on when you don't know what your boundaries are with your standards are you don't have any of those you just sort of people just treat you and you're very very much. With all so it it's it's a sign of codependency was also assigned a trauma and a lot of Pota tenants were traumatized by children and adolescents or even a broken heart before<br> broken heart can be traumatizing and traumas on a competition so it can be on all kinds of levels but anything that makes you feel administ berated to me and belittled if that inner critic that we get as children do you know you're never going to amount to anything else I'm never going to mount to anything daughter these these things can stick with us even if they're just verbal or emotional at depends on the resilience of the Child and Adolescent but a boundary I used to have horses I lived in Tennessee outside of Nashville and I was in graduate school in Nashville and I didn't understand boundaries because I was still codependent and didn't know I was just beginning my studies and we were reading the boundaries book and I was out there feeding my horses and I said now I understand boundaries this this fence around my horses is not to keep people out is to keep my horse is safe and in and the gate is the important part of this fence it's who I let in and out of that gate and who I trust with the combinations<br> and who knows about that back gate that's important the boundaries are about who you let in and out of your life and it all depends on safety it all if you don't feel safe with someone close the gate if you're trying to know if you're still safe around someone leave it open just a little bit just don't over share or but if that makes sense I mean it's all about controlling that gate and who you don't let anyone ever control the gate but yourself that's it<br> oh that's so very important that sits it sounds so like a no-brainer but I can see how someone in an attempt to develop relationships strong and quickly could be over Cheryl could be I'm overly trusting of individuals who do we have not proven themselves to be trustworthy yet and yeah always in trying to it seems almost too and I don't want to seem harsh but it seems almost a bit that the codependent is a bit manipulative just like the narcissistic individual because they may be using people in unbeknownst to them and then I'm not sure the narcissistic disorder what they are using to Rosebrook people in it seems like a narcissist<br> Behavior would be repulsive to most people but because the I guess the codependent is so needy it's not opposed to them<br> it is and you know usually the narcissist is very much aware of what they're doing I wish I did know that but I've had to treat some through the years and my internships they don't often show up for therapy but when they do they're very wear what they're doing codependence on the other hand which again is not a formal disorder codependency has never been a formal disorder they don't know how to quantify or qualify someone who gives too much they don't know how to do that they have not figured it out yet but they're not as where I certainly wasn't aware I was being overly nice to have people like me I really did know that I think the perfect example of that that everybody could probably relate to you know a little bit of a certain age I think it's the most famous Oscar speech ever in the world was in Sally Field got an Oscar and she said oh you like me you really really like me and it's been such an offer for her to know we already like you Sally you didn't need an Oscar for that we all loved you and it ended many years<br> later she did mention that it took for a long time to unravel that and she had a very difficult dad who was a stuntman and I don't know Sally Field but I've read some of her biography and I said well that's very similar to my childhood when she was told you you're not been enough you're not pretty enough you're you know you're not a blond you're not this you're not that I heard all those messages of the kids and you're too sure I got a lot of those messages so I said wow that really resonated and she had to unravel it too so that's why they're not really aware they're performing they're giving and they called giving a performance a lot of performers are closet codependent there's a whole chapter in my book on homework codependent because they're not aware of its healthcare workers philanthropist people just give and give and give so there's nothing left to go so they need to learn to receive so I hope people out there are receiving this message and it's okay<br> bend over giving for a while and then see what genuine what makes you feel good cuz we feel good when we give and we feel badly when we don't and co-dependent still that a whole lot more than a regular person just me might want us to spend your giving for a while to see what's genuine and just see what might you might be doing to just to please people to keep them attached to you so funny that you mentioned professions right because all through our conversation I was in the back of my mind saying that there are entire industries that would have to change greatly if codependents did not exist and and I didn't want to say it out loud but you did because I have been in the healthcare industry my entire life over 30 years and when I tell you the insane giving of healthcare workers are my hat does tips<br> over for them but I can see that in self self harm to the to the harm of self me know this is such as applaudable thing that we're doing me you know you still up in you or you do First Responders and you're so happy but and and that's great and I am too but my heart's what breaks a little bit for this personality type and abuse that has occurred here the whole industry is built on these people who are over givers and they're about First Responders and Military and the trauma that they endure from witnessing trauma after trauma after trauma they are taking on the trauma of other people they are rescuing people I have no doubt they are heroes but you will never hear them say they feel like a hero and when they when they've gone way too far and done it for too long they start getting PTI<br> the symptoms and they have to stop because they can't function anymore because they feel so detached and withdrawn they just can't witness any more harder and I applaud them in one way and also just like you I empathize and sympathize I did learn some of this from going on house called with my father I was in situations and I will spare you the details that I was a child I mean and literally a child I wasn't even an adolescent yet my father took me on house calls because he was the only doctor on our little dinky beach in Florida now there is no stinky Beach and part of it back down there was and I saw horrible things and not everyone looked and I knew what survivor guilt was when I was 9 so these messages that we get it's it's okay to rescue people but my goodness take a moment after you do that and go rescue yourself you know detached and then it goes to something that's to reset your brain and I hope I really feel like somebody out there about that message they're just doing too much for two<br> any for too long and they need to take a break it's okay to take a break with honor their memory older than a horrible War oh my gosh and they are here and you are in any way affiliated with a healthcare worker this would be a great book to gift them because oftentimes they don't know that they are suffering from codependency and which is a form of self-harm until they're into a place where they'd hit rock bottom and they are suffering from PTSD and many other issues right and extreme exhaustion and so before you get there it's okay it's okay you have given enough it's okay it's okay to to start feeding yourself and fueling yourself and going<br> the place is self-repair so that you can have more to give courses you know that's a psycho we're all want to give but leave room for all of us to give our share I think that's the point here we mentioned during the break-in and again I want to mention the book it is of the author is Mary Joy we happened at be so fortunate to have our own shows our special guest today the book is codependent Discovery and Recovery 2.0 a holistic approach to healing and freeing yourself I love is a holistic approach with his holistic to me I think soft and gentle and the book is available on Amazon where else where else can you get it I marry anywhere book store sold and especially online Books-A-Million HCI books is the publisher Simon & Schuster's a distributor just type Mary Joy codependent and you'll find the book it also available<br> Auto audible audiobook as well correct it will be out very soon it is being reported as we speak I hired a lovely young boy so that I could serve the audience with you I I did I just absolutely adore her voice as she has the essence of them she understands that they the work so it'll be out in audio probably in a month so awesome awesome awesome so look for that but don't wait because the purchasing now and getting this book now will make a huge difference in someone's life yeah when you brought up that way cuz we're talking like their entire Industries Who had who would not that would not exist in the form that they exist today by that I mean it happened all over Hall if we could get right in feeling good about them something that's what we really want that that's what they want for their patience for their people that they said they want them to get fully whole and healthy and we want that for them as well we mentioned during the right<br> that if it if we had a I'm saying it this way we didn't say this after this but if we had a magic wand and we can give something to the codependent that would be a cure-all is something to the narcissistic disorder individual that would be cured all it would be self confidence<br> yes right and Celeste is what we got about three minutes left let's talk about that what how what it is there a quick and dirty way for somebody to say hey I recognize my confidence is low this is what do I do to improve it<br> guess I will pay the quickest way whether people like to hear it or not I know they might not meditation meditation is the medium the middle ground between your subconscious and conscious and doubt there's not an audible book out I have a free YouTube channel it's free every meditation at the end of every chapter of my book is in there and none of them are over 10 or 11 minutes long every medication that helps you get in touch with your conscious and subconscious to give you self confidence which means to confide in yourself if narcissist for self confidence they wouldn't overcompensate with bravado and cruelty and a lack of empathy with co-dependence for self-confident and confided in themselves they would know it's okay to not be okay it's okay to want things it's okay to need things and it's okay to receive Seahawks meditation will help you do that cuz it'll get you in touch with you both those yesterday at the QuikTrip does meditation or just visualization and they can be done in 5 minutes the first<br> Play Station from my book is 5 minutes long just imagine the life you really really really want and just sit with that and what does it look like it's that simple<br> oh my goodness it's time to improve my life that's our theme for 2022 I hope you are as excited as I am about what you're hearing right now that you can and I can we can improve our self-confidence simply by meditating 5 minutes guys and I love the fact that you have you know the meditative practice in the book so there's the prompt so you know I hear people all the time to tell me how that's games I can't meditate my mind wanders for you a great we got a prop for you so it will wander onto this prompt and you can meditate on that and that will help to improve your self-confidence which will eventually help you to have to bridge this Gap we got less than a minute left how can our audience connect with you and you haven't you<br> they can go to Winter Haven counseling.com they can also contact me on my YouTube channel is very easy to find me on my online my name is Mary joy j o y e with a t on the end it makes it very easy to find me and I'm in Florida and also I want people to connect themselves and improve their life to like I said if they don't like the word meditation can you Daydream that is all meditation is this guided meditation is daydreaming for your benefit and improve your life and thank you dr. Dre Von James for making this available too many people I appreciate that was my pleasure if you all have not registered for earn like a boss hop on over to my website I love to see you there 7 p.m. eastern time this evening my website against Dr Trayvon james.com this is everyday piece I absolutely love you I know this is the year of self-improvement our theme is it's time to improve<br> I like our guest today has provided some wonderful tips and tools for doing that I'll see you next week<br> you've been listening to Everyday teeth for dr. Avon James you have the power right now today to make the decisions to take the actions that lead you to your next level of greatness and I would love to walk with you on your journey here some ways we can connect schedule a coaching session contact me at info at dr. Dre Bond James. Cam enroll in my online university course to 2020 Clarity court at The Institute for leadership and lifelong learning International in role of the brilliant life nine weeks online coaching session with me and Keisha Dixon email@example.com purchase my book Freedom is your first break from Amazon thank you for being everyday Peacemaker I absolutely love you<br> thank you for listening this is Unity online radio the voice to men Awakening world<br> how can we embrace one another in spite of or even because of our differences join Unity on January 17th for the inspirational conversation in celebration of rev Dr Martin Luther King Jr this free online event will be led by rev Sunshine Day and ask him if he said it will feature inspiring commentary from Reverend dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith learn how we can see progress not Perfection register today unity.org<br>