Bringing Intimacy Back, 09/12/2021
Kanya Ford "Coach Kay"
Owner and of Love & Intimacy 101, LLC
LIFE, LOVE & INTIMACY COACH
P.O. Box 8854
Richmond, VA 23225
Who is she?
Welcome to Love & Intimacy 101, LLC! You have learned a bit about the practice, now it is time to meet your Coach. My name is Kanya, known to most as Coach Kay. I am a Life Coach and Certified Clinical Sexologist (life, love, and intimacy coach)! I am a married mother of 5 amazing children, former job chaser and avid voice for the voiceless. My coaching journey has been one filled with both life and formal institutional learning lessons. Getting to know a little about who I am will help you understand how I can best serve you on your life, love and intimacy journey.
Raised in the era of latch key kids and drug addicted parents, I often found myself wishing that I could close my eyes and disappear. My father committed suicide when I was six months, leaving my mom to raise me and my sister alone. Twenty something year old widow left with two babies, we moved quite frequently, therefore, I was never interested in attaching myself or feelings to anything or anyone. I was set in survival mode at an early age, which is exactly how I wandered through life. I rarely felt comfort in my surroundings and often made decisions based on fear versus knowledge.
Welp, I got over it!
The way I got over it was to turn myself to stone and smile through the emptiness and pain. This came with giving up my power; the power to grow, the power to learn, the power to be myself! This loss of power lead me down an unsavory road that ultimately ended with me being a single mother with two children under the age of two by the age of 20, living in section 8 housing, a criminal background, being a first year college dropout with a trail of minimum wage jobs. Yup, I continued the cycle!
Although this is what I saw and lived growing up, I knew that my children deserved better. I knew I needed to regain trust within myself to grow and do better things. So that is what I did! Through trial and error, I figured it out and restructured my life! I am now a married mother of five amazing children, Master’s degree holding, successful multi-business owner with over 15 years of HR experience! Both of those baby girls are now thriving adults; one is a junior in college pursuing a computer science degree on a full scholarship and the other moved to Georgia to achieve her life goals. Neither have children! The three at home are thriving elementary, middle, and high school students with life goals of their own! Yes, I broke the cycle.
Over the years, I have worked with thousands of people, be they clients in a therapeutic setting, students in a classroom, executives in a boardroom, or attendees at one of my seminars. It’s what I love to do and I do it with one mission in mind. That mission is to give people support, knowledge, and motivation that they can then pass on to someone else.
I have a deep curiosity about the human condition. The courage of people and our efforts to live gracefully in spite of our deeply flawed selves is remarkable. Neither my formal education nor my 20 years of experience in the field of human development, outweighs the importance of what my very own flaws teach me every day. All of it comes together to make me most suitable to do what I do.
Jerry shares poignant stories from his life in a collection of essays, such as the failed attempt to stay in a cabin with his son buried deep in the snow on Lake Huron. There is nothing quite so satisfying as an epiphany from reading something you have felt deeply but just couldn’t put into words. Then to have that truth beautifully and artfully articulated causes a moment to pause with appreciation, giving time to step out of the chaos and ponder the true meaning of life and all we experience. Erasing the Margins is bursting with these moments as author Jerry Nehr easily translates the Morse-code-beatings of the heart into a language of understanding that changes the way we view even the most mundane activities of life.
I’m Jerry M. Nehr, Jr. I grew up on the eastside of Detroit, Michigan. I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Business Administration from Wayne State University and a Master’s Degree in Educational Counseling and Addiction Studies from the University of Detroit Mercy.
I have owned and operated a training and consulting firm for over 20 years, with a focus on assisting organizations with their employee development goals and strategies.
As both a business owner and a licensed professional counselor, I have an understanding of both the bottom-line benefits of culture change/alignment and employee morale, as well as the capacity to bridge relationships and communication challenges at the micro-level.
As we look around in this world today, it seems we are becoming more disconnected from one another, even though we have the technology to connect to more and more people than ever before. Furthermore, the lack of intimacy (in its many forms) is one of the top three reasons why relationships struggle and many times end.
Thus the Bringing Intimacy Back talk show is a show dedicated to inspire, enlighten, and encourage intimate connections. This show provides an engaging atmosphere to discuss and demonstrate ways to enhance intimacy in one’s personal relationships with significant others, families, friends, Higher Power, and oneself. The show will discuss intimate connections in many different forms, such as sex, communication, emotional, physical, health, and spiritual. In fact, research has shown that as we increase our intimate connection with ourselves, our Higher Power, and others. It will help decrease the conflicts, anxiety, and depression in our lives.
Increasing intimacy for all has become Dr. April’s mission. The mission statement of the show is to provide an atmosphere to discuss and demonstrate ways to increase closeness in one’s personal relationships with significant others, families, friends, Higher Power, and oneself. Therefore, Dr. April started in February 2018 to host her own new Radio/TV Show Bringing Intimacy Back where she and other intimacy experts will provide resources and tips on increasing intimacy in all types of relationships. Audience members will be able to transform their relationships through relationship experts’ insights, useful and practical resources, role-playing, and audience participation. The show’s goal is to show its audience members that intimacy can be alive and real in the relationships we desired.
welcome to the bring intimacy back show we are intimacy is real if you desire to intimately connected with your self your significant other children Family Friends Community and your higher power this show is for you that's we explore intimate topics inspiring life stories be rude to a lady and insightful tips on strengthening relationships this show is hosted by dr. April and her co-host dr. Kelly now let's get this episode of the bringing intimacy back show started because we share with you the secret power to intimacy to create a life you love or love the life you create now here's your host dr. April has dr. Kelly welcome to the bringing it's Misty back show where in Tennessee is real but thank you guys so much for joining me today and today's. Something brand new for us even though I know you heard it on there<br>commercial coming up about dr. Kelly but dr. Kelly is no longer going to be with us she's doing some Fabolous things her own and so now we have a new co-host a co-host totzke welcome cuz k<br> hello and thank you for having me yes I'm so excited and so far everyone he's out there listening you're wondering where you was Coach K well guess what I meant Coach K I believe it was on a cup house where I met her and she's a beautiful as you guys can tell a young lady and she is the owner of love and intimacy why do what do if course with that tide of course I had to have her and she's a life coach and certified clinical psychologist she believes and love and life and in an intimacy cuz he is also married with five amazing children and she's been a guest enough shells of you want to go back and look and she gave us I believe it's like what did the five<br> colors of a stimulating relationship stimulating relationship she is wonderful and I would like to welcome her to our as a co-host<br> welcome. Thank you again so much I mean yes with it then company love and intimacy when I wanted to this is just like a perfect match waiting to happen since you and I both have been specializing in intimacy what do you define intimacy as are with one or more parties sprechen almost unspoken connection that you have with something or someone and that connection is like when I met you the first time and even you being on the show you know we had to get up connection and connection is strengthened by all the other parts of intimacy and communication in that kind of stuff<br> yeah yeah good and we were talking about today is that connection of intimacy through contact through eyes hugs and voices and today and I'm so excited that's why we have a guest that specializes in that<br> that is exciting. I'm excited to hear everything let me know Jerry is definitely a person who understands it's Missy not only in relationships but in business so he's been doing his business for over 50,000 I was over 20 years yes and he's the president of Creative Discovery training and Consulting he's a writer speaker trainer or coach he does a lot of work with businesses and Healthcare professional government officials and he doesn't variety of mentoring and coaching and he also says I was looking at all your stuff coaching and the sense of culture coaching in the sense of training leadership rear so he does a lot welcome Jerry on to the show<br> yes they're listening something I asked everyone what is your definition of intimacy Street I appreciate it I like with Coach case that a lot about the gas and I had I didn't have it written down but you said a phrase it'll come back to me my definition definition is complete trust and vulnerability with another human being in the present moment and then exit the Coach K I I just want to sit down you said something your definition of really ring true for me can you say it again<br> use the atom app out of mine but I believe it was something of that closes that connection that you share with something or someone or more than one person the more<br> ya know I'd I know how that goes it's buried just say it and then somebody has to hate repeat that and it's like well why I can't remember it it's just that yeah you know I don't know if you were home I think that's that's my definition so you know it's real ethereal I I mean I don't want it was it's almost like you said unspoken that's what it was used that word unspoken and then when I think of that I think of the tacit understanding which is unspoken but understood that we we can have with other human being in the moment where there's there's no need really for even language at least the spoken language where we are completely in the moment with another person and it's it's powerful that they were unspoken was aware that's what I was trying to think of so but that that's that's kind of my loose definition of it<br> yeah I went to Jerry and today's world do you find that a lot of people are sometimes not fully present yeah you find that absolutely right and that's something I wanted to be of times that I you know I can share you know I can do so if there's a word that goes around saying that and you both will recognize it's called mindfulness and get out a daily myself in the back of the seventies and eighties and I was born in a bit since we were talking about the word mindfulness I mean it was a word I'm sure but I didn't use as a younger person but now we just weird all the time of using business we use an education we use it in therapia I'm a licensed therapist in the state of Michigan here so we use us this term to convey<br> that one is aware of what they're thinking that's really in its simplest form what a means which means you have to be in in the present moment to do that and you have to be aware of what you're aware of what your thoughts are so you know being in the moment although we all strive for those of us to talk about stuff like this it's really difficult because it's always it's every fleeting don't need to even be talkin right now it's it's everything I just said is history so just a present and I'll I'll show you how I do it if you want to know that as we go on here but you know being able to quiet your thoughts down and through breathing and some people call a meditation some people call a prayer some people call it just being with yourself be able to stay in the moment into practice that to have it as a regular practice so that when the chaos occurs cuz it invariably will because we're just human beings and things<br> happened to us and we happen to other things that being able to have that skill of going right back to the present through our breath is is is pritika light I believe<br> yeah so I was just wondering as a business person and Business Leaders may be listening and I know you go into businesses and help them out a business person may I ask why would I have my workers do any mindfulness isn't that like wasted productivity how does that affect my bottom line is that a lot with law enforcement on such issues are the highest and Leadership emotional intelligence I work with a CEOs and in high-level managers directors executive directors who who are leading people who have people reporting to them and who rely on them for good leadership and that question comes up all the time as you know Jerry we don't have time to to get into some of these deep breathing exercises that you recommended we don't have time to the slow the conversations.<br> we have work to do and my response is always the same as you probably don't have time not to do this because if if the individuals who are working with you and for you and who are whatever your whatever your product is if if they are not healthy if they are not well cognitively emotionally spiritually they will inevitably probably not be them but their best selves in the in the workplace so what can be a 5 or 7 minutes at employee Wellness exercise a few times a week or even to start off the the the Monday morning meeting with beading with that though it doesn't look like a big r a y gets immediately the research is that that those employees who are your happiest and who are the healthiest do the best work they have less time off there they're not a party they they<br> Benchmark they they they are able to they're more than more serving minded and in their their work so yeah there's all kinds of people who do this for a living and research this kind of stuff that's out there to convey that it's it's really your you're missing the boat if your twenty-first-century employer and you are not doing all that. The wellness peace your your kind of in the dark out of the Dark Ages<br> I definitely agree<br> I have a background in human resources and I've watched it firsthand where you're not giving your employees at space absolutely nice and so also in the send stuff like now with technology and we are all doing this virtual thing<br> how to start impact mindfulness star<br> yeah well if I think dr. April I think in some ways it's antithetical to my from this it'll listen I mean there's there's that you weren't we were using Zoom right now so we're we're we're talking about something and maybe are going to critique the very thing that were using right now to connect so we need to be aware of that first and foremost that there are some things that some good things that occur on my social media besides you know who you voted for and what you had for dinner last night and and you know you know you get your best profile picture so I have that there's something said that that that can happen in social media that that's all that can be assistive OK and connecting with people but here's the here's what I found is that there's there's that there's a glaring difference between of course the physical experience in the end of virtual experience I mean I I can I can show my best self<br> through social media I can take if I want to 25 pictures of myself to make sure I get the best angle that I look the best I can I can retype my response my post my reply I can put Jerry near out there in his best self which truly isn't me I mean it's a part of me but it's not all of me okay cuz when you see me in real person if I'm not as forgiving you no I'm not I was going to say it right I'm not I was going to have the slickest in in the most well thought-out response cuz I cannot edit myself in the moment I can but if I already said it but when I'm typing something yet I'm on my I'm on I'm on my screen and I'm looking to communicate that way that I've actually done the thing that did the opposite of what I'm really trying to do that is to connect with somebody that ain't that indeed I'm I'm not completely real<br> because of the nature and the the setup of of social media that that we get a chance to it'll be more than be less actually what are profile suggests Oaks in a few things. And I know this is a this is a big is a big part of why I'm here perhaps but you don't something look at is this is the bandwidth of our of our connections do if you look at the breadth versus the depth of our of our who were connecting to<br> I mean I I have I have a fair amount of Facebook friends they're not really friends some of my never met I've got thousands of LinkedIn connections I have maybe maybe this is this is being very sure I maybe have had conversations with maybe a couple hundred of them but I've got close to 10,000 LinkedIn connects just so I mean what does that mean we'll just means that I've connected virtually your online with a fair amount of people in case but are those relationships meaningful and do I really know about these people so if one is concerned or or you know<br> has a deed to increase their numbers in terms of you who the who the who the last person that benefits me and whoever Tunes in today maybe I'll say something they like and then they said hey we'd like to have you in our show or maybe I like to have you come in and do a tranny we'd like to have it give you a presentation so that's all cool<br> but when I sacrifice is that how many people I really touching and who are touching me on a daily basis I mean this is wonderful right here because even though we're not with the same physical space we can at least hear and see each other we're talking about something that that I think we all think just meeting. I'm trying to answer your question that that's one of things I know they do a lot of virtual appointment and eye appointment but I'm better at the facial I can read people's faces a little bit better cuz you get a clear understanding of their facial than I did before when I saw people in person I mean that's as one possible if I don't know if you've noticed anything till it's okay and doing the video<br> are you do become more aware of your surroundings and you pay more attention to the other person because it's literally it's you and a screen and there are no real other distractions per se and you're more focal because you are trying to make a real connection with a machine and a person almost if you if that makes sense so you're trying to break through the computer into the other person so you do try you're more aware yeah and you just mentioned break through and breaking through a lot of times is that that I contact that facial expression<br> and even the voice and how does that breakthrough how I levels go up and down so yes the we're going to take a short break when we come back. I want to go more into the facial and Spidey and especially also the importance of touch in human interaction will be back in a moment are you on vacation in Paradise a vacation to rekindle the passion without the kids a vacation where you can learn how to communicate where you and your partner actually hear each other and game inside if so vacation counseling is your next vacation April Brown has created vacation counseling and Southwest Florida as a perfect option for you and your partner our Retreats are one couple at a time we have a variety of packages available to choose from including virtual Couples Retreat<br> in counseling please visit us at vacation counseling.com for more information on pricing and packages also follow us on Instagram and Facebook to keep track of the latest news stories activities or coupons on vacation counseling and Doctor April's other services we encourage you to sign up to receive a monthly newsletter called intimate connections at Doctor April brown.com remember if you and your partner are struggling with communication and intimacy and you all are looking for a retreat to connect vacation counseling can be your next vacation and Southwest Florida<br> welcome back to the bring an intimacy show where intimacy is real well Jerry I was just thinking was just kidding made back in the day I think it was in the 80s where Mother Teresa I talked about how in this Society we are so so lonely and being alone and you were talking today about I contact voices and hugs how does that impact that right there<br> price thanks thanks dr. well you know<br> but let me let me answer this from this perspective so you know I I have I was around before all the social media and in here I am today so I have that like like like I think the three of us we have that we have the not the age of you I think I'm a see I think I'm the HC you want another screen here but but we all have that perspective okay so you know I wrote a book a while back it's probably rapes the margins and in this book I wrote an essay called the actual s it was called handshakes voices and hugs in the past and Democrats and I started talking about the book and of course I can't change the tractor but you know people were really shaking hands they were really giving hugs either but I kept hugs and made made it I contact voices and hugs and it was really as I wrote this<br> in response to the escalating of the advancing technology in in the in the virtual space and its social media and in really that the strong were the dangers that I think we that's happened to us if we as we limit our physical contact with other human being so let me just go through the eye contact voices and hugs I mean I do an exercise in every training every seminar that I give and it's simply a a terminal call the steering wheel look at each other for a few seconds without talking is and that's the that's the the powerful part of it is is that being okay with the silence but being able to connect with someone<br> hey I'm not sure yeah I guess the connection maybe it's his internet yes yes so hopefully he comes back on because Kate as he was talking about<br> back in the day and how Society is today okay so you back on right now. I don't know where I left off the Wii Kinect I believe in in in in multiple of ways but one of the ways we connect is by knowing someone's name and this is no particular order but being able to hear a name being able to receive eye contact when we are what we are speaking<br> and then when we are and what we're doing the listening and then the other one is the other thing is it's three words but it's the words I love you all right that those are those have been measured as things that make us feel good now I don't tell people who I'm presenting to that I love him but if I was truly invested in knowing their names in a particular being able to give them healthy I contact which if you doing zumba FaceTime or you know you doing webinar I mean you can that you can have that but you surely can't have it on you know if you're typing things in so we we lose that eye contact you know if we were just doing audio here without video I mean a man I could be doing a bunch of things I could I could do you like it could be distracted and I could you could still hear my voice but would I really be tuned in and the answer is probably not so that's that's the first one the second one is<br> voices and in being able to hear someone's voice I always say if you if you feel lonely or isolated make a phone call Which Wich is is losing popularity I think every single day we get comfortable behind the screen we can we don't want to make the mistake of saying anything bad so if I if I typed it in wrong. Need money back I didn't mean to say that once we speak as I said before with its is spoken so the voice is a powerful thing if we're blessed enough to have the gift of being able to speak then then you know to make a voice of your people always say no make your voice note but the kind of patients today is not always with the actual verbal voice it's been all through your activist and perhaps it is great which is through your writing which is great but the voices is another way with the Kinect in final the last with this is is hugs I come from a pretty pretty effects this family so I grew up you know that the men of the women at<br> uncles and grandpas and grandpas and we all hugs and kisses to other and a very very but I think it was I think it's from boundaries there for sure but we we were touchy feely family nowadays are going to be careful with that you do all that with the climb of this going on and I'm very mindful of that I was younger my career the guy who would walk down the hall in an office building and I shake your hand I put my head on your shoulder and said hey what's going on it didn't matter if you were a man or woman or what gender what what race you were with age you were and this is a such a long time ago and I will mention where I'm working for us but the you'll appreciate the thought but that the HR Director called me and she said she's Jesus I noticed that your kind of touch people I was like well complain she said that somebody might and I said I got it I won't do that anymore so we have to be careful in the workplace in and outside the workplace elves of how<br> much even though we might be comfortable with that are we putting our levels of confidence that on somebody else I absolutely know and I've worked with guys in prison I've worked with with CEOs I don't either side may be a handful of time where I stop by maybe shouldn't have shaken her hand or touch their their their arm and situate almost all the time it's a welcoming thing I think the approaches important if you don't have that level of comfort with yourself and other people don't do it but I believe it's gotten I think it's got the business I think it's it's allowed me to connect with people Beyond just hi my name is Jerry and nice to meet you again that there has to be either has to be level of comfort with the but I contact voices and hugs it's it's a lost art. I hope it doesn't go away the pandemic didn't help but that's that's my take on that with a<br> always being on videos and screens do you think people especially Millennials and I'll even see Millennials but also I will say it happened to me myself where we so behind on these screens that sometimes we lose the connection you know what I'm saying that wouldn't be around people I would happen to me I'll give her the example I'm I'm always able to talk and all this kind of stuff but I went to a Bible study in person and for some reason I thought so anxious about speaking out and I said April what is this about you speak out before and then I'll fix myself you know it's about me but always being behind the screen Millennial some people have spent so much time behind the screens that that's social interaction<br> Chicago he had happened to be an actor so he's he's all about you know he's her comfort with with with you know with something for talkin about but I mean see your point about that group is an absolutely you know if if if the three of us were in a room right now I'm able to have it what do I do do I cross my legs so I said back are they are they paying attention to all those things that that when were in a screen you know it's it's still you can still see me and I can still see you but something gets lost and I think what gets lost is our comfortability with being in the presence of another human being and I'm not talking about the virtual presence what we have going on right now but I'm talking about that time and space physical experience and I think it explains<br> absolutely yeah yeah because I mean you know again I'm living at again I'm saying this is the first time but living can be a risky thing I mean sharing who you are as a person and whatever level you can be risky cuz maybe Coach K does like what I'm saying baby doctor April isn't like what I'm saying and but yet I'm I'm putting it out there and the further I get away is that we get away from that direct contact with feedback is rather mediate but I can I can see the eye roll that I can see the she's not she looked your phone real quick or he he still sipping his coffee glaze out the window I can see all those things and<br> if I think a toughen me up a little bit or at least a trace it allows me to have lipstick your skin to stay in the moment with with individuals for may not be agreeing with me all the time I'm a little off base here but but I guess my point is is that it's easy to hide it's easy to I guess not present our full cells<br> because we don't have to pick up the bass on at the center for social media we can present a part of ourselves and intimacy I know this is this is the title of your shell is all about you know this is completely who I am and in this you are completely who you are and are we in osis coach that are are we connecting beyond the words but are we fall in a bowl and do we trust and I was staying present in the moment and until I'm trying to ask you a question but yeah long long answer questions yes I believe I believe it it's it's I don't think it helps us in that area a lot of that this at the top of the whole pandemic with the students having to go virtual and I watch how this year younger three are completely different I kept saying they need that people interaction because what I saw them last year this time<br> is Carol a comparison to an Implement overall attitude how they feel somewhat like a flower that was put behind the chalkboard versus the one that was in front of it in the sunlight was able to come through it needed my profession so that was if we just watch the children if I don't want to listen think about your child a year ago versus today they need it to be in that space with other people<br> absolutely. You want me to but yes the sun is the sun is a disinfectant of are the patterns that we get into that I got to make it healthy so we bring things to the light is it isn't it unveils a lot of things and were able to to be I think more real than my my my son remember he was out he was taking a zoom classes and he said that I got an acting class at 8 so we have to do this this scene he said how how do we do this it was you know I mean still Colleges and Schools they did the best they could but it's it it it it doesn't know what is that what you would see that's in charge of educating kids in the class look like in this in the classroom<br> and you know I think about as parents or even our first connection was through touch cuz we came through in most cases but yeah how important do you think is that physical or human touch Jerry<br> that's it that's really one of the first dentist that we developed the doctor April that should have been my response was you I I didn't even know I wish I wasn't sharp enough to think about how we all have almost all of us are born yes we we we we we we coming out and then there we are right and so I see no title from me because cuz I I I like the physical touch just to just as a as a human being I mean the<br> feelings I get what I'm able to even even give somebody hey what's going to give me a fist bump her or had him on the shoulder if I have touched it it's<br> it does I noticed something from me that that makes me feel like I'm I'm connected to another human being okay there are those individuals who who don't like that and who would rather not you don't have that biggest the part of the engagement interaction and you have to you have to respect those boundaries and if you don't know them I always say err on the side of maybe not doing that until you get to know them but I cannot answer your question I think it's I think it's critically important you know the the the the emotional response to being touched by so do you want to be touched by in whatever whatever whatever way capacity is is absolutely increases are in our ability to stay in the frontal lobe which is were all rational decision maker to keep us out of that Reptilian Brain which is where the fight-or-flight response is so that the touch is is incredibly important in us just being able to function and optimize our<br> I'm thinking and in an hour emoting and and there's there's there's there's research on that sells you know I am all for teaching presenting creating space and time for organizations to to explore that although it's a weird conversation for the boardroom you know or even the classroom is at high are we going to touch each other or not it's it's yep I think it'll get comfortable to language of it but you know again that the pandemic comes and Ava sudden now we're done we're not touching people we're leaving leaving our house with some of us so that's the best challenge has been it has not contributed to his has not helped at all but perhaps as we move you know as we see ourselves moving back outside and engaging with people someone told me long ago I think the handshake is has been lost and I said I don't think so I think we can go back to it and I just had a meeting this morning with a Twist<br> the HR Director for a client at and we sure can she's back safe so we both had a few both had a booster shots and I said can I shake your hand and she said of course so we sure can wash your hands after me was over and probably she may have done that but I mean we were able to do that and I don't know it added to at least for me and add it to the meeting and in the end of the conversation are you just mentioned something serious and I'm and you've been you and Coach are both parents do you feel like if you<br> show the high gear that's in your teenagers with that keep them more and the rationale<br> mindset vs. I didn't know what do you guys think<br> oh yeah I am out of set up a coach go ahead and I'll just wait it keeps them in a mindful the reality is a teenager born to do ridiculous things we get that will they think of you more while they're doing this thing probably if you if they because of that touch you remember that touch you remember the hold in the hood fight what would my mom and dad think about this thing that I'm about to do a child that you know rarely touched<br> they're Off to the Races you know without a thought so I love to hear your thoughts on Netflix for real I mean I think when we hug other people and when we are hugs when we will we have that Embrace and this very degrees of it of course but<br> I believe I know for me and makes me feel like I'm value and makes me feel like I may be loved or liked unliked enough you know if you to hug me when I hug you I am letting you know that I care about you to a certain degree and that I might love you I really respect the heck out of you and I want to give you a hug and show you that Beyond just saying that I respect the heck out of you is it in so when I I think we human beings receive that kind of that affirmation or that self-efficacy that you know but I I I do matter at least two maybe one of the person who just who just decide to embrace me I matter and when we feel like we matter we grow<br> nnn We Leave Behind Arlo ourselves slowly but surely and as we move into areas of higher growth at that excuse me as we Ascend to higher levels of functioning we you know we leave behind the lower thoughts of I'm not good enough I'm not nobody likes me I need a I need a certain amount of likes on my post by the feel valued I need to have a thousand Facebook friends to feel like I'm mad at you so all those things too kind of diminished and we get back to the death of our relationships because it's so easy on a Facebook post a like something I've liked stuff on Facebook post I'm even know these people and I'm I'm guilty of it as well try I live in this world to some degree how do I try to minimize it as high as I as I get off as I grow but that's much easier than this thing I Coach K how are you doing and I really want to know how you're doing I just<br> say hi this thing in the office hey hey what's up man how are you how's the weekend and you keep walking and if you do stupid stuff we we we we have to this is a straw say but I believe we really have to slow down and start paying more attention to each other Beyond of politics beyond our how we looking believe in and and who we think is like us and I really begin to tune into to who we are as human beings and if that could be intimate you don't have to be a lover with someone or romantically involved you can be intimate with a conversation and it was Sonya barely now but if you have a point of connectivity that's powerful<br> yes and you just mention about people feeling that they matter and I'm curious with you and with Coach K is someone it's out there feel like they don't matter of fact why and she says hey I feel like I don't matter that I feel isolated<br> what do you guys tips for that<br> all right I was thinking I thought won't be out here<br> I think<br> yeah we can tell someone that they matter and KSI my sister I don't feel like I matter and say what you do. You a full of course you matter by reason why I think you matter okay so that that comes from me so there is whatever comes from something outside ourselves we can we can doubt it if if you believe it then it's true so something I can talk as a therapist and this is something I've done the passes as a therapist I don't really I don't see a whole lot of clients and we're now I do most of my work in in coaching and training and development of in seminars but this is to ask them how they see themselves and tell me about tell me about you and and listen don't just how it the good stuff from the things you don't like about yourself as well but if it's all bad stuff I'm going to I'm going to push you to think of some good stuff too and then I just listen<br> and allow the next space to find some answers. I didn't do that early on I would I would say no no hair look at the things you've been doing over the last 3 weeks is your treatment goals and skills here's a three things you accomplished if I would get into all that and that's kind of a low-hanging fruit is like that that's feels good in the moment but that the it's not as long last thing as if one is able to find that I need someone who's really compromised and you know cannot think of anything will they have course you have to help them along but I usually try to take to default to I want to I want to hear back from you to tell me more about you know about you and and in what you feel value upon so that's agree with that I like to turn the question around because I can't understand where they are and just asked me what tell me why you don't matter what is that look like you know where did where did it come from and a lot of times like you said they were able to start really<br> thinking about it and come off of the surface to go down below that that they realize I thought that I wasn't doing XYZ but I'm actually doing a b and c and so bringing that client around by posing the question back to them that of the statement that they just gave is what I like to do and I learned that in the end they turn off if you give me something I'm going to hand it back on a different platter and you tell me about it<br> yeah I love that aspect definitely I wanted to think that I do sometimes and helping clients look at themselves specially when I'm not around is when there is strong I have them do you like a little video<br> talking to that weaker self-install when they're weak they have to listen to their stronger self it is just yeah one way of helping them do that yes we're going to take a short break and we come back we want to learn more about you and Jerry and how we can connect with you we'll be back in a moment renew your connection in beautiful Costa Rica<br> February 27th through March 3rd 2022<br> we'll make sure it happened<br> vacation counseling intimate Couples Retreat your next vacation enroll now at the occasion counseling.com<br> welcome back to the bring an intimacy show where intimacy is real and to Jerry here it's been talking to us about connection and how important it is with I touch voices yes and so Jerry I know you bring the book<br> yes yes can you tell us a little bit about your book erasing the margins I was my plug that's my my my my<br> well I wrote it a couple years back and collect the message is called erasing the margins<br> it's from my<br> work and in my eye reading can still hear me yes sir my good so it's just based on my experiences with as a therapist does a human being in<br> talking with and trying to help or at least trying to be there for those who who I would say falling outside the margins of society and these could be folks who are home they could be are they could have<br> Albert's a lot of the field of addiction as a therapist working in the prison's work in the jail cell by the practice I worked a lot with with with police and you know I like black Hispanic his in any race were in trouble so that the book is really good and it's my kind of you know how do we bring key back into the circle and in an inch<br> back into the margins so that everyone has a seat at the table and is feels important okay and it came out a couple years ago get on Amazon it's not it's not a Long Reach 100 Pages 100 and I talked about their there's a there's a woman that was in Chicago church I stopped in the church that was that was kind of important to me and it was it was - -2 degrees that day in Chicago and I go in there and I got my Starbucks coffee and warmed it on and there's homeless people is in the pews at full taking a longer time in this but I will get with the idea that<br> you know I have no idea what this woman goes through she at all cuz I knew she was homeless just because I've I've worked with almost people she had all her possessions in a couple bags and she was there until they told her that she had to leave because this was under me shelter and I wrote it I wrote a story about that how we often times will give a dollar to the person that the road then that's great and then we go back to our our lives and in which is which is often times the right thing to do we we we we can open our problems all the time the homeless but it's just a lot about my experiences and and meeting people in my life had not thought that I have had not had the locks that I have had and in my communications with them I I I like to go on the streets of Detroit and and talk to people have no place to go<br> but the conversations important please in the I-90 the shelters in Detroit with a man jump and I'll take you to shelter can we do that and most of time what times do I do that for all the all the right reasons conversation is so important to me<br> and you know that that being able to be a dollar or or the gift card which is cool but juice tells as an equal footing as them and I don't know we do the time for me to get out and all but that's kind of what I've tried to write about I hope I didn't confuse you more about the book then then you knew before but that's that's what I've attempted to do with it<br> okay it was thank you so much better. That's what information about the book and it can be found on Amazon which is great yes I'm if anyone is out there listening and they want to connect with you where could we connect<br> you mean like a like a like a website<br> they could go if I always get www.sharis.com website that all the time to people who I don't know I said call me if you want to chat give me a call if you need something if I can if I can help you out with Mike and I'll let you know but I I give my phone number out all the time if you want to contact me I can give you that number they can get it from the website but I'm happy to get moving the seminar in the trainings but you know who I need to call me about it<br> anything which cost you nothing and if you have a quad maybe maybe I'll learn something from you so I'm connecting the people in person hopefully but the in anyway and anyways is important the older I get the more I value that that that connection<br> well thank you so much for being in the show I'm cuz Kay and I really enjoyed our conversation with you so thank you for being in the showing you're welcome back anytime much I've enjoyed it immensely good luck do you thank you up we have about December 16th intimacy through which rates and that's going to be a good one cuz actually I'm dr. K and I've been talking and she doesn't reach 8 and I'm doing a retreat so I think that is really am excited about that one for the one and then we're going to be taking a break for two weeks and will be starting back in 2020 with some great young ladies coming in to talk about attending power sexual dysfunction in intimacy intimacy and sex how to attract your soulmate client<br> so yeah the Cubs K this was your first wife how did she feel like it went amazing it's always comforting to be even when I was a guest I love you know everything about the show and I just love your special gas I love our special guest and being soaked in that information cuz everything about intimacy is just amazing so I definitely appreciate you again have me as a part of this this journey because it is for a lot of people who tuned in and cook myself every single week from today so I learned about something you said in the sense of the rational mind and they are rational mind and how touch really help the novice like wow it's nothing something I hadn't thought of before so that was really interesting it makes you visualize and think about sometimes when you know someone who<br> what we call a bad day or maybe they're going to harm themselves and you watched a negotiating maybe talking to them and they're trying their best to get close enough so that they can touch so that makes so much sense definitely and even for a minute the mother of five children and dealing with all the social media now the pressure's the kids have fun today how sometimes just hugging them and being present on Friday I think you can steal all of that anxiety melt away when you embrace the child when they're you know going through social media is definitely it's it's it's getting pretty sticky and dangerous they are so being able to embrace and allow that to melt off them so I love I love and I'll definitely be checking out his book in the margins I definitely will be<br> yes yes well thank you so much for being here today and I will see you next week alright this is Vinnie bringing it to mrs. Baxter where intimacy Israel<br>