Bringing Intimacy Back, 02/12/2021
Bringing Intimacy Back with Dr. April Brown, co-host Dr. Kelly Bushey and guest Suzanne Falter
As we look around in this world today, it seems we are becoming more disconnected from one another, even though we have the technology to connect to more and more people than ever before. Furthermore, the lack of intimacy (in its many forms) is one of the top three reasons why relationships struggle and many times end.
Thus the Bringing Intimacy Back talk show is a show dedicated to inspire, enlighten, and encourage intimate connections. This show provides an engaging atmosphere to discuss and demonstrate ways to enhance intimacy in one’s personal relationships with significant others, families, friends, Higher Power, and oneself. The show will discuss intimate connections in many different forms, such as sex, communication, emotional, physical, health, and spiritual. In fact, research has shown that as we increase our intimate connection with ourselves, our Higher Power, and others. It will help decrease the conflicts, anxiety, and depression in our lives.
Increasing intimacy for all has become Dr. April’s mission. The mission statement of the show is to provide an atmosphere to discuss and demonstrate ways to increase closeness in one’s personal relationships with significant others, families, friends, Higher Power, and oneself. Therefore, Dr. April started in February 2018 to host her own new Radio/TV Show Bringing Intimacy Back where she and other intimacy experts will provide resources and tips on increasing intimacy in all types of relationships. Audience members will be able to transform their relationships through relationship experts’ insights, useful and practical resources, role-playing, and audience participation. The show’s goal is to show its audience members that intimacy can be alive and real in the relationships we desired.
welcome to the bring intimacy box show we are intimacy is real if you desire to intimately connected with your self your significant other children and family friends community and your higher power this show is for you. We explore intimate topics inspiring life stories spirituality and insightful tips on strengthening relationships this show is hosted by dr. April ever tell those dr. Kelly now let's get this episode of the bringing intimacy back show started because we share with you the secret power to intimacy to create the life you love or love the life you create now here's your host dr. April dr. Kelly-Ann intimacy back to where intimacy is real how are you doing dr. Kelly<br>great I have decided something to do with my hair I'm home you going by tonight and I'm going Platinum what exactly does that mean it's like kind of like Susan powder in the eighties but anyway it's nice and bright and you don't have a lot of gray hair you might not know that but I do and I don't like it anymore I want to be able to date at least twenty years younger than myself but you have such beautiful hair that's so easy to manage which is really great when I said when you're busy yeah that's for sure and I only have to do the front of it cuz I'm not looking at that<br>yes I'm doing good I'm doing good but life is been busy and which is I'm so excited about today's topic because today's topic is going to help us busy women oh yeah it really is in fact I think<br> May Save The Best For Last yes so before I get into today of self-care for extremely busy women I wanted to let our audience out there now that I'm if you're looking for a quick easy gets out there for your loved ones I have two opportunities one is just a series of intimacy books that you can find on Amazon or if you're looking for an intimacy experience check out out it's Misty betrayed on vacation counseling.com yeah definitely which gives a great yes but how are we going to get through this holiday season with so much business as women<br> yeah one day at a time and for some women it's one hour at a time but I'm sure we could we can all benefit from a new Chips yes hold on Take Me Away doesn't work and if it doesn't 15 minutes so I would like to introduce and ask for it that's going to help us get through this holiday season and of course to the rest of 2020 while and hopefully 2022 and she's at fault if she is an expert on self-care for extremely busy women in fact she's been doing this for decades he's a podcaster for the same topic on she's also in the book on it after I guess sadly she lost a daughter and after she lost a daughter in 2012 she had to learn how about self care and I think between all her works and stuff she learned the importance of self-care especially when you're<br> busy so besides being lied. She's also written I think a book cost of ending to Joy and how much joy you can stand and over the 15 years of work she has he chewed up her stomach stuff all black is in the New York Times elephant journal much joy can you stand while you've been extremely busy Suzanne I would love to welcome you to the shop thank you very much for the warm welcome dr. April I appreciate it<br> so Suzanne currently in your life right now I'm this show is called bringing it to Missy back one of the things that we always ask people what does intimacy mean to you and how does that relate to self care is what is missing in so many of our Lives we've replaced it with dependents on electronics and devices and social media and these virtual experiences list for me intimacy means the energetic connection between people so when I go to the gym and I get in the pool like I did this morning and I'm swimming you know Elaine away from a complete stranger but we're just kind of having this swimming experience we're both sorry going back and forth the same direction I feel connected to that person<br> is more intimate to me than you know spilling my guts and in an environment where we're maybe we can connect with other people intellectually but not energetically if that makes sense<br> I also think a real big piece of this is intimacy with yourself and you know after my daughter died I spent a couple of years grieving and I really didn't do much I wasn't working I was living in my savings I was in a rented room in a friend's house and it was just extremely quiet and I really turned within I began to really get clear on what my needs were for the first time possibly in my entire life I was so devastated but I was so aware of the opportunity that was in that crisis because I had been overworking I have been completely over-stimulated for decades I had built this big career and I had just closed my business because I was completely burned out the relationship I've been in had ended I had to leave the home we we had just moved into together and I had to start all over again so I was<br> I was literally forced to tune into myself and my needs and begin to construct a life that actually had meaning because the work I had been doing prior to his death was all about marketing was about things that I was proficient in and could even make a good living from that I didn't care about and I didn't feel at all intimate or connected with that work so you know for me intimacy covers many many many different Realms of life<br> I don't invite about what you just said<br> just focus so much on a present that you are present in your life where you describe the early part of it was that decade after decade it was this busyness right no secondary and how you defined that even in the pool but it's like this process of slowing down and being present for<br> each stroke if you will which would be each day and finding something that you really enjoy is the am I gettin grasping and I wanted to be a Healer and she died from a medically unexplainable Cardiac Arrest the day before she was going to start taking classes at San Francisco city college quote-unquote to be a Healer should really know what it meant but she just had this gut sort of spiritual feeling that this is what she was supposed to do so she set out to find out what is this thing about being a dealership in a Blues singer in Austin Texas and you know what gone to the Berklee College of Music I mean she was really good and she just put it all the signs that okay I'm going to be a Healer now cuz that's what I feel I should do so you know her whole take on life was extreme presents and I really didn't know what that was about so I'm really glad you brought that up dr. Kelly-Ann<br> chill will just pack up her little backpack and go to the airport with some money in her pocket and just pick a place to go that sounded intriguing and just go have an adventure and and she never knew quite where she was going to land from day-to-day but it always worked out and she always felt intimate with her own life and sure enough when she died she left behind a little red notebook with all kinds of channeled information in it that she had heard in her meditation and the big message that was on page after page was just be<br> or be and you know<br> and I had no idea what that meant but boy did I start to figure it out after she died because what I'm describing in that two-year period of grave was the process of learning how to be without having to feel important because I was too busy without having to feel super safe because I was super structured with another task every single minute I was working with you know 8 or 10 clients a day at one point<br> was that the money was great but I have no life and I certainly didn't have time and space to do within I can't say enough about the value of just doing nothing sitting in the window watching the dust specks in the air looking at the sky or sitting under a tree and feeling nature around you I mean that is in<br> yeah since he said that you're staying that which I believe truly that is what you said is intimacy and it's but I know there's women out there especially mothers who would thinking how can I just didn't do nothing I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing I must be I should be entertaining child for child a husband and whatever so the book about self Carey Road the extremely busy woman's guide to self care has in it a whole lot of ideas about how to unplug from those situations which our guilt induced I mean can you ask for help can you bring the status quo and say to your partner hey I need help could you please cook dinner and do the dishes or whatever three times a week I can't do all of this that's the<br> first thing I had to learn the safe to ask for help and not only is it safe it's necessary we think we don't get to have any boundaries we think we have to do it all it's an illusion the fact that we are not alone must be recognized and I'm speaking to you single moms because you have friends you have a network you have other single moms possibly who would do a trade you know they're there have to be ways where we can support each other to create this much needed time alone I remember one of the show's I did was some podcast was about the importance of creating alone time and that a long time I cannot overestimate the importance because when you're alone and you can finally hear yourself think you made really not like your relationship you may need to go to a counselor or make some big changes you may really feel overworked in your job<br> you know in my Facebook group there was a woman I asked the question what are you tolerated what do you tolerate and one of the women in the group said well I was tolerating my job which was way too many hours so I won't try to quit I went to my boss and said I quit boss said what can I do to make you stay at a package where she gets the same money for half the hours she gets to take care of her so don't ask we don't know right for women to ask you know how do you actually initiate relating in the time so I'm talking to all the way both single and married what do you negotiate I don't know what you talked about earlier about guilt induced actions focus on that could you turn it down a little bit more on that<br> I mean the Assumption built in by the culture here in America at least and perhaps North America at large is you know we are really not allowed to ask for what we want we kind of inherited this from our moms and it may be going away a little bit gradually with each generation but I'm in radical help needs to be made here because husband used to only help out around the home 40% of the time that was documented in the 90s with a woman and she was like she can't even go to the bathroom by herself her kids up there and I was like I used to always tell my daughter and that's a single mom to go spend time alone you know<br> yeah I didn't believe I had to entertain her and that is so true and if you don't learn this as a mother if somebody if you're not doing it and somebody's teaches you this you can do it but we are just not wired to assume that we can take time for ourselves you know I used to love the movie Mary Poppins I put my kids in front of it's 3 hours long. It's just those kids loved that old Disney classic you know ya couch read a great that you know trash novel like probably don't leave the house but you know depending on the age but I mean you can get a lot. Tell her to write every time yeah why do I have to fill it out and yeah actually she became<br> don't even think about the value of downtime we don't think that we need to tune into our needs we do and one of the really important lessons I learned during that two-year period of grief or I was discovering myself and return to was to ask myself the question. What do you need right now<br> and it's very simple question but the answer surprised me sometimes I needed to stretch sometimes I needed to cry sometimes I needed to just go get in the car and go buy an ice cream or do something fun you know sometimes I need you to call someone and have some reassurance you can get your needs met but you got to be willing to get real with what they are<br> since so many people have lost people because of covid-19 yd of things these past few years yeah and in the sense of self care many people think they're supposed to get over it so quickly how important is self-care and getting real<br> okay you floss when you are going through a loss you need to understand that a critical piece of your brain which is the around the hippocampus where your executive function is and where your decision making ability is in your ability to like just go out and do things that's been disabled and the more severe the sudden the loss the more severely disabled and you will not be able to push yourself to do all those things that you could do before the loss and if you do<br> get real about it you suppress the grief and it becomes worse may not be in this moment but it's going to it's going to rear up on you eventually and that's where you know I'm in some people believe that's the source of some long-term illnesses or chronic pain there's a lot of reasons to let the grief move through you and ask you let's of grief moves through you not only are you doing something which is radical good self care but you're also allowing the flow of life to move through you so you can get to the transformation that is inherent in the loss because every loss is a catalyst for Change and if we don't know that understand it work with it we miss a golden opportunity<br> wow I have a question from an audience member they're saying you know we're in the holiday season it's supposed to be giving and and they're a Christian yes if they take self-care isn't that being selfish oh I love against okay to give to yourself and your compassionate towards yourself and you make space for yourself you can show up in a more healthy ground and present way to your desire to give to your community or family your elders whatever because when you are feeling good about it it's a whole different energy that comes with that gift or that you know generous donation of your time then if you are feeling resentful stressed out and overworked also I really want to speak at this moment about overproduction we have a problem is women that we think are<br> exceptional isn't really good enough so a lot of us stay late at work we you know agree to make the gingerbread house from scratch for the kindergarten party you know we we have to make extremely fancy little organic chicken and veggie Croquettes because we think our child will only eat fun food no no no no no no no no no because when we take a step back and we allow adequate to be good enough especially in these extremely busy moments in life like when you're raising small children that works out just fine we're the ones putting the extra pressure on ourselves to our listeners who just sent a very good question I would invite you to consider where's the overproduction in your life so if you feel like you're you can't stop to give to yourself or that it's selfish<br> just consider the idea that you could rebalance this picture<br> I have a question from an audience member they want to know this is Amy from Pennsylvania wants to know what are common guilt<br> common ways that women feel guilt okay so one of the one of the big ones this I must cook and clean and do everything for my family or you know it isn't good enough it doesn't count and the idea that you take some time for yourself away from that can make women feel guilty another another place where I've seen it show up as you show up to someone's house and you feel like you have to bring gifts you have to come bearing gifts you have to have the casserole or the back yeah.<br> I saw that would be so cool in your house what if you were the gift if you were the gift and you don't have to put some energy into making the casserole or I mean look sometimes a gift for a friend is a beautiful thing but just notice if you feel it has to happen every single time then maybe you're overplaying that had maybe you're in over production rather than a balanced approach to being present with your friends and it makes me of this little kid is that came to school at my elementary school and he would give away all of his toys and things and it just made me think that this poor little guy named Danny didn't know that he was the gift himself that we did want to be his friend and not for his mechanical pencils now yeah and and you know even as little children we can get that insecurity going I really relate to that and I was the kid was picked on and never felt safe at school at cetera and and I<br> I think I can remember one year for Christmas and Christmas party in the class and I was terrified ever it was like okay just tell me what you want I'll give it to you whatever it's just like I was being held up you know he took full advantage of that but I mean that's a perfect example of how we can't believe that we are good enough as we are and Suzanne you have definitely been a gift to us and yes and yes and I've learned something I really did never thought of myself as when you go to someone but they all these holiday things and sometimes your presence is just to get there instead of trying to figure out everything if other people want to find out more about you tell us where we can find you sure I'm at<br> self care for extremely busy women podcast and you can also find my book extremely busy woman's guide to self care on my website at Suzanne alter.com Suzanne falter. Cam and I also have a shocking self-care and self-care extremely busy women on Facebook so drop into any of those spots and we will keep the conversation going and what a pleasure to talk with you dr. Kelly dr. April thank you would have like 10 of them right now being and knowing one of my favorite Proverbs is I don't know what's proper but it says be still and<br> know that I am god wow that's like me and you know yeah it feels like me and no and I just wanted to give that to you is to get the cat came to my mind that bursts and I actually have it on a plaque in my bathroom and one in my living room lights awesome thank you so much for being a pleasure enjoy and thank you thank you and I'm like freaking to take a break and will be back in a few moments are you going to take a vacation in Paradise medication to rekindle that passion vacation without the kids a vacation where you can learn how to communicate where you and your partner actually hear each other and game inside if so big<br> Asian counseling is your next vacation vacation counseling and Southwest Florida as a perfect option for you and your partner our Retreat one couple at a time we have a variety of packages available to choose from including virtual Couples Retreat if you and your partner interested in the vacation counseling please visit us at vacation counseling.com for more information on pricing and packages also follow us on Instagram and Facebook to keep track of the latest news stories activities or coupons on vacation counseling and Doctor April's other services we encourage you to sign up for receive a monthly newsletter called intimate connections at dr. April braun.com remember if you and your partner are struggling with communication and intimacy and you all are looking for a retreat to connect vacation counseling can be your next vacation in Southwest Florida<br> bring me your connection and your love in beautiful Costa Rica<br> February 27th through March 3rd 2022<br> we'll make sure it happened<br> vacation counseling intimate Couples Retreat your next vacation enroll now at vacation counseling.com<br> I'm walking back to the bring an intimacy show where in Tennessee is real yeah that was wonderful when she just say that yeah that was quite incredible are some of the things like regarding<br> specifically guilt induced actions being present knowing you are the present I mean it was really pretty fantastic. Like I was the choir and the preacher that were for that one you know how did I mean meaning I felt like okay everybody else gets to listen but this was for me and it's so hard I think specially in the holiday season you know yes yes because you always thinking what do I need to bring so you stop by the store and you're trying to like figure out you know so I get a bottle of wine do I get this do I get back what do I need<br> yeah and I'm kicking yourself and being present to be fully present somewhere Fantastical and I hope that's what I tell some people I'm like you know what if you're if you're not going to be fully present where you go then don't go because it's really not a gift you know like definitely yes so on the show now we're doing something different today we have another word for gas her name is dr. Debbie I was sober and she's the founder of betrayal transformation Institute which is a holistic she is a holistic psychologist might settle a personal development at the welcome dr. Debbie on to the show thank you so much looking forward to our conversation yeah yeah yeah<br> I'm the founder and CEO of the Peabody Institute post betrayal transformation Institute so personal development psychology spirituality and business the trail my goodness oh my gosh this is this is deep yeah if you do a lot of people who have been betrayed and that is one of the deepest pains in their life it sure is it's it's one of the most painful of The Human Experience because think about it this was the person these were the people that you trusted the most so when the person you trust the most proves untrustworthy who do you trust when the one you run to when other people are causing harm are the ones causing the harm where do you go the good news is you can heal from all of it and I did the study and I have the proof<br> wow yes one of the things that we act out of gas is how did they Define intimacy and how does that deal with betrayal and being betrayed when you have been intimate with someone and all of a sudden<br> now they betray you yeah it's devastating I mean you were vulnerable you were open you you gave your heart your love your time your trust and you know without your awareness or consent when somebody else just changes the rules there were these spoken and unspoken rules in a relationship and it's when those rules are broken it's devastating and it destroys that intimacy can it be repaired I say no can be rebuilt yes it's a lot of work but it can be even in my own personal experience that dealing with Coast betrayal is sometimes you lose that confidence of your own self<br> you know there was a new study that I did let you three discoveries and that was actually one of them one of them was that betrayal is a very different different type of trauma than death of a loved one disease natural disaster you know of course you Grieve Your said you were in the lost with with those types of trump as a betrayal to but because betrayal feel so intentional we take it so personally so the entire self is shattered and has to be rebuilt rejection abandonment confidence worthiness belonging trust those are all shattered and they have to be rebuilt so I coined a new term post betrayal transformation that's the complete and total rebuild of your life and yourself after an experience with betrayal because you you it said you do not believe it to be repaired but it can be rebuilt which means it implies that you need a new Foundation absolutely you know I look at trust like a brick wall you know think<br> and its foundational every opportunity is it the only way I know of a brick wall being built is Brick by Brick by Brick a really long time and now think about it every opportunity someone has to show that they're trustworthy that's one brick in that brick wall so that brick wall could take a long time to be built and then in one or shattering moment or series of moments well you know the person whose trust has been shattered can look at the trouble is they don't have the least bit of interest in watching that thing get rebuilt totally fine they can walk away however if they decide that they're willing that would be their job the person who shattered the trust has to be a really good bricklayer and it goes back the same way it went the first time Brick by Brick by Brick every opportunity they have to show that they're trustworthy that's when braking that brick wall<br> does cat is sad you you wrote the book The is it the unshakable<br> that was the number one book yeah and then I wrote actually this was one of the other discoveries was that while we can stay stuff for years decades a lifetime and so many of us if we're going to Holly Hill we're going to move through five proven predictable stages that's what trust again is for that came out last year but what I found was and I'm happy to go through the stages if that serves most people get stuck in stage 3 so my newest book from Hardin to healed is just for those stuck in stage 3 that is certainly found there for sure okay today when you got me curious what did the five stages look like in this how many more specifically about stage 3 yeah okay so it's what my coaches are all certified in the Peabody Institute it's what you do it's what's interesting and I'm going to give you a distilled version right here so stage one is like before it happens it's a set of stage and if you can imagine for legs of it<br> the four legs being physical mental emotional and spiritual what I found was a real heavy lean on the physical and the mental thinking and doing and that really prioritizing be emotional in the spiritual to feeling in being right so if you could imagine two legs of a table right easy for that table to topple over that's us stage 2 by far the scariest of all of the stage is this is D-Day Discovery day you're blind sighted like the person takes the mascot and it's the breakdown of the body the mind and the world's you so right here you've ignited to stress response you're headed for every single stress-related symptoms illness condition disease where your mind is in a complete and total state of chaos and overwhelm you cannot wrap your mind around the information you just left and your worldview has just been shattered your world use your mental model don't go there this is how life works trust this person and then one moment it's all shattered the bottom spot him down on you and<br> new bottom hasn't been formed so it's terrifying but think about it right at the bottom where to buy them out and you what would you do you would do anything you could to stay safe and stay alive that stage 3 survival instincts emerge it's the most practical out of all of the stages if you can help me get out of my way how do I survive this experience where do I go who can I trust how do I feed my kids here's the Trap don't once you figured out how to survive because it feels so much better than the shock and Trauma of where you just came from and we think it's good and because we have no idea there's a stage 4 in Stage 5 transformation doesn't even begin until stage 4 because we know that there's a stage four and five we start planting roots or we're not supposed to but we don't know that and for things happen the first thing is we start getting all those small<br> health benefits you get to be right you get someone to blame you get a target for your anger get sympathy from everybody and tell your story to go and you'll see why for sure even more so because you're getting all these benefits and now the next thing that happens is because you're there longer than you should be start thinking that maybe I deserved it maybe I'm not all that great maybe that's because this is the energy you have these are the thoughts you think like energy attracts like energy so now you're calling situations and circumstances and people in relationships towards you to confirm Yep this is exactly where you belong because it was trained yourself yourself because it feels so bad but you don't know there's anywhere else to go<br> so you don't know there's a stage 4 Stage 5 right here is where you start using food drugs alcohol work CD keeping busy anything to numb a void and distract yourself from what's a people to feel her face so think about it you do that for a day a week I must now have to have it a year 10 years 20 years and that bitterness right and here's where I can see someone is out sick drinking you're doing with that emotional eating or that numbing in front of the TV do you think that has anything to do with your betrayal and they look at me like I'm crazy sad have the 20 years ago but do you see all that with themselves and stage 3 and stay there and get stuck in the next flight from hard to heal. Coming for you and stage-3 cuz you been through the worst of it already you owe it to yourself to do you want me to finish with the<br> free stuff there and that's where most people steaks okay if you're willing to let go of the small self benefits grieve mourn the loss of bunch of things you need to do you move to Stage for stage 4 is finding an adjusting to a new normal so here's where you acknowledge I can't undo my experience but I control what I do with it and when you've made that decision you start turning down the stress response you're not healing just yet but you just stop the massive damage you were causing in stages to and stage 3 the other thing is I think about it if you are I always use this example of if you were to move if you want to move you don't take everything with you you don't take the things that don't represent who you want to be in your new space and what I found was if your friends weren't there for you right here is where you don't take it with you you just outgrown them people send me all the time what the heck it is you're undergoing a transformation and if they don't ride with you if they don't come<br> Great, To Lose Friends in this friendship has changed in this stage anyway when you've made this mentally home you're good with it you move into the fifth most beautiful state in this is healing rebirth and the New World View the body starts to heal self love yourself tear eating well exercised you didn't have the bandwidth for that earlier know you do your mind is healing you make a new rule to make a new boundaries based on the road you just traveled and you have a new worldview based on what you see so clearly now and the four legs of the table in the beginning was all about the physical in the mental by this point we're solidly grounded because we're focused on the emotional and the spiritual to those are the five stages<br> and wow that's so sick talk about a synthesized presentation on that and I can imagine and understand why the emotions and the emotional and spiritual are the hardest to lie because they scare people emotions are people and spiritual things can scare people because they're to imply that there's certain ways to a Mote in there certain ways to have a relationship a spiritual relationship so we can stay in those other ones those are like the scientific ones you know the biological things that we can control and can't control arm bushings exactly I like how you and you would said during the one that was like it we get to choose how we react so there's there's an action and we get to react<br> yes that's stage for stage three is very action-oriented where's like but it's all action-oriented in how will I survive this and how do I make sense out of it stage 4 is how do I heal from it's a very different still action-oriented but but more in the sense of how can we heal versus how do we get revenge for how do we just get back at that person or how do we how do we just survived a very different actions so we have the four steps to rebuilding the old Way Beyond shakeable woman when I want to talk about that and you're like every I'm happy to share what that was too because I have a feeling your audience would really get a lot out of that and some people<br> they don't even know where to begin so I think they're both very beneficial if you dug a little bit into that that would help them as well but it's up to you what were you think they would dovetail and it's it's all it's all critical so I can I can go through all of it yesterday third Discovery was an end when you're when you're making sense and meaning out of your experience you're going to be faced with these things to the third Discovery was there's actually a collection of symptoms physical mental and emotional so come into betrayal it's known as supposed to be Trails syndrome we've had 45,000 people or so take our post betrayal syndrome quiz on our site to see to what extent they're struggling<br> but it was based on what I was seeing in the study and you know I guess I should really let you usually start with my story we didn't even we just kind of drove right in tell us tell us a little bit about you dr. Debbie and your story as short as if we can get back to that well like I said it's my 30th year in Business Health my said personal development and then I had a really painful betrayal from my family and so thought I did the work to heal and then a few years later it happened again this time it was my husband so I got him out of the house tonight I looked at the to experience isn't it I don't know what's similar to these two I mean I'm the common denominator but I realized I never took my needs seriously I was always the last on my list and I was like no no no something drastic has to happen and dramatic has to change the rear was for kids six dogs and thriving business I was 50 we're going back for a PhD and it was I didn't know how I was going to pay for it I didn't know I was going to move through it but I<br> I just knew I had to like kind of learned my way through this and it was in a transpersonal psychology psychology of transformation and he moved to Angels wasn't ready to look at that and it was time to do a study so I spell you betray know what holds us back what helps us feel and what happens to us physically mentally and emotionally when the people closest to us like cheating to see this and that study LED 23 groundbreaking discoveries which changed my health my work my family my life. I thank you for sharing that personal story because her a lot of fuss and clean myself be gone to that and looking for ways to heal or two like you say transform<br> well what's a bean here's the thing you've been through the worst of it already you really owe it to yourself and it's the beauty of of what the what the study showed and what the discoveries really showed us was healing is predictable it's predictable and if we just are willing willing is one of the biggest words you're willing to move through the stages we will predictably moved where experience and we come in with symptoms of post betrayal syndrome and I'm happy to share what those are and when we move through the five stages we we enter this place in the state of post betrayal transformation diersen version of you that exists in this place that is so strong so healthy so healed so confident and he or she would blow your mind but we can't get there when we're stuck in any of the other stages<br> you know it reminds me of that verse in Scripture it says behold but it says I know the plans I have for you saith the Lord plans to prosper you and not to harm you plan to give you a future and a hope in fact that last stage and so people that are listening those of you that are listening please push through those that third stage because like after is it super silver dr. Debbie Debbie son said your future is so much brighter than you could ever think or imagine in the middle of your betrayal and now look at what the doctor Debbie using that pain as a springboard and I'm sure that that was not an easy this this did not happen overnight and nor does a PhD really I've been through death of a loved one I've been through disease I was in the ICU for 11 days nothing got me like this nothing but I I remember moving through the program in the state<br> good night and I just had this thought that if I can heal I'm taking everybody with me I mean what are the symptoms if it's people are out there listening and I like I don't know maybe maybe yeah with the symptoms yeah sure so now I'm out of figure 45,000 people we have men women just that every country has represented some of the Region's every every couple of months they pulled the steps just to see where people land and here we go steps so this is out of all those people 78% constantly revisit their experience 81% fill a loss of personal power 80% of hyper-vigilance 94% deal with painful triggers the most common physical symptoms ready 71% have low energy 68% have sleep issues 63% have extreme fatigue they wake up their exhausted those are your adrenals that have tank<br> 47% have weight changes so maybe in the beginning you can't hold food down later on using food for Comfort 45% have digestive issues and Crohn's IBS diverticulitis constipation 45% the most kind of mental symptoms ready 78% of overwhelmed 70% or walking around in a state of disbelief 68% are unable to focus 64% on shop 62% run able to concentrate so imagine you can't concentrate you have a gun issue you're exhausted and you're supposed to work and raise your kids and it doesn't even the emotional issues right now emotionally 88% experienced profound deep sadness 83% are very angry it is really coming to bounce back and forth between the two<br> 82% feel hurt 80% have anxiety 79% of stress just a few more here's why I wrote the book trust again ready 84% and an inability to trust 67% prevent themselves from forming deep relationships because they were afraid of being hurt again 82% find it hard to move forward 90% one of them but they don't know how<br> it's interesting because it's if it's supposed to train Sandra which is gorse is not in the DSM But anxiety disorder is and depressive disorders are and so many of the symptoms are similar to that some people may actually have post-polio syndrome and they made things they may have been diagnosed with something else somewhere to ppsc have similar symptoms to know some people are some children actually have PTSD and they're being treated for ADHD doctors and therapists in because they can be the most wonderful counselors therapist psychologist psychiatrist doctors but if they're not highly skilled in the five stages there miss seeing that you know they're hacking away at the leaves and not getting to the root because when that likes for example it could be the most amazing. Dr. someone sees them for a good as you but 45% of everybody betrayed<br> so if that got doctor now knows about the five stages they can think of a transformation they can take their patient through where their client through so you know it's it's a game changer when they understand about the five stages right and he mentioned something so important that many people don't realize that when personal things happen to them they really need to share it with the medical doctors their nurses because it all is connected yes and still talk to Debbie's people are listening and their hearing all those symptoms and they're like they want help in exchange reach you. The Debbie you know that I would recommend they should take the the healed or Harden quiz don't know exactly what stage there in healed or hardened quiz.com<br> okay awesome and how can they reach you at find your book yeah they can you note for they can just go to I'm thinking they were so many of the books with the bonuses if they want trust again that's that'll take him through the five stages best way to do that is go through this link because then I get bonuses to I mean of course you can get it on Amazon but get it through this Lincoln to get bonuses to and it's w b g as in post betrayal transformation institute.com trust again okay and from my understanding for what you just said previously and there's a lot of therapists that have been trained we have what we have our certification program and and we train the coaches and healers doctors a psychiatrist psychologist counselors therapist and in some work within the Institute and some you know just work on their own but yeah the Moore's therapist understand<br> trained in the five stages of the better we have a lot of people coming in with therapy trauma and these because if that therapist isn't highly skilled in betrayal if you weigh more harm than good we see that all the time oh yeah wow that's a whole nother topic therapy trauma yeah yeah we see it a lot because someone let's say you know we see this example all the time I'll just give it generic examples let's say there's a husband and wife the husband has an affair he's a narcissist she's able to drag him to counseling that counselor is not highly skilled in betrayal the narcissist is very Charming so then the counter looks at the Betrayed person stealing if you just communicate more it's it's it's devastating so you know understanding what betrayal does<br> yeah sure does yep just seeing if I've been to trade in my life and he doesn't even have to be those big profound or shattering the trails it could be like a Thousand Cuts kind do you know why you know so many things going on in our lives so you know but there's a way to heal from all of it would be worse since you have been betrayed by people in leadership spiritual leader absolutely so they have like let you know whatever point is is that there is a lot of<br> I don't know what grit is a lot of grit in this is research-based this is not just like some idea somebody that just like you know sitting in there sitting in her room writing a book this is somebody was actually research this for years and has personally experienced it went outside of that what you did was then you did more research to get this little too I don't know how big do sample sizes was but knowing you and this brief time I bet it was pretty big and that you're still like modifying it and buy him those things that will work out people I can tell that you're helping and it's it's beautiful to see how I wouldn't want to have seen you on that sad day you know it was bad it was really bad but you know what there's something there's something really interesting that happens when you're you're sort of broken open you know where it's at when the light shines through and your these I see it so often<br> we have the people that that we move through the Institute and it was without that complete and utter definition struction of the old they never would have been able to birth the new and whether that's just the new version of them or you know or something else and in what I've also learned is rebuilding is always a choice whether you rebuild yourself and move on with my family wasn't an option to rebuild with them or if the situation lends itself if you're willing if you want to you can have the opportunity sometimes to create something brand-spanking-new with the person who hurt you and that's what I do with my husband so not long ago is to completely transform people we married each other again beautiful story dress and her for kids<br> a miracle yes and the last thing I would ever do is remarried that person remember this was rebuilt this wasn't just like didn't happen overnight and your children or the bridal party give my children working at here's the thing though to it it's because the trail will show you who someone truly is or wake them up to who they temporarily became know if they're not woken up to who they were and that's who they continue to be you've got to be full-blown crazy to take that on again I mean and that's what people do and they wonder wonder who he had to temporarily became selfish<br> yes and it was defend hear something to you know he had maybe the he woke up to the level that he did because he was actually the one who told her kids and if anything is going to have you wake up and realize what you what you just lost its losing everyone you loved and needed and the injured back for the whole week There's a statistic I don't know what it is but it's pretty high that people will divorce and remarry and some shopping makeup sex<br> really has been actually a living example of the books and everything that you talk about which is wonderful I'm sure everyone he's out there and we will definitely be looking at your information and stuff and so I think it's been really extremely helpful and thank you so much for being on the show thank you so much for the opportunity yes it's been a pleasure and throw upcoming shows I'm on December 9th we have Jerry with eye contact voices and hugs and a December 16th we have intimacy to The Retreat on dr. Kelly it's been a pleasure having you on as a co-host and thank you so much for this year thank you it was a terrific year I learned so much and I hope you and Coach K have a fantastic time I'll be a little bit jealous of her you know cuz she's but she is<br> she is fantastic and those of you that have reached out to me and said that you were going to miss me I'll miss you as well and I just want to say doctor April you're fantastic and you truly are authentic and that's what I've Loved most about being your co-host you are you are the real thing because you ask me some questions over a year ago about whether or not I would be willing to be vulnerable and also you had told me that you know you felt that there was so much more for me than what I was living at the time and as a result I made a lot of changes in my life and it feels good to be content and not just content but happy so thank you for being a part of my journey thank you so much talk to Kelly for being a part of my journey this year it's been tough here personally but you have pushed me you have inspired me of used a lot of words of wisdom<br> well thank you you have been a guide we are going to stay in touch and yes definitely and still I appreciate you and I wish you much success and for our listeners out there. The only if I also mentioned Coach K will be joining us next time and I'll introduce her as the new co-host and thank you dr. Kelly and you're welcome anytime on the show listening and they need a motivational speaker that's what I'm going to be doing I'll have my mom a C10 clients a week cuz I don't want to work too hard and I love motivation speaking so I am going to be spring spring board and back into that so yes and thank God and people out there that are listening she has motivated me a lot of dr. Kelly and she thought they look real and she has a great sense of humor and she's when you guys she comes in a small little package but boy is he thoughtful<br> thanks for being a vendor in my life and just for being so powerful and have a good rest of your day and I'll talk to you in a while all right all right then this is really bringing it in the seat back show where intimacy is real thank you<br>