welcome to the bring intimacy back show where is real on this show we believe that intimately connecting with yourself your significant other children family business Network community and your higher power can elevate your life to work towards a positive future that's we explore intimate topic inspiring life stories spiritually and insightful tips on strengthening relationship this show is hosted by dr. April a Florida licensed mental health counselor relationship and intimacy therapist board certified telemental health counselor National Certified counselor and a certified sex therapist she is the owner of vacation counseling and Cape Coral therapist and the creator of the internet connections newsletter for more information about dr. April services and the bring intimacy back show please visit bring intimacy back. Com check out tasks shows on Apple ID
Spotify YouTube or wherever you listen to your podcast now let's get this episode of the bringing intimacy back show started because we share with you the secret power to intimacy to create a life you love or love the life you create now here's your host dr. April
welcome to the bring intimacy back show where intimacy is real thank you guys so much for joining us today as you know where in political upheaval like now we're people are talking about politics all over the place and sell what I wanted to do today because and for some of us it is tearing up our friendships and families and all that kind of stuff so what I wanted to do today as have a person who's an expert on this today's topic is how to love someone who disagrees with your political view and so when I did my research and I was I was amazed by what I found and I found this wonderful psychologist dr. James safer and I want to introduce you welcome. Your paper so why don't you be with you on this topic let me give you a little bit about her.
fancy it interviewed many couples survive including husbands and wives parents and children's friends straight and gay politics and she's helped him overcome this you know when you're with your partner in your talking and and it goes into politics and it just goes into an upheaval you guys disagree she is able to work with you and help you throughout that she's a psycho therapist has been in private practice for over 45 years and the author of seven acclaimed books on a variety of things from dealing with siblings who are difficult or I have this function of brothers and sisters or mothers who've chosen not to have children she is a bit about these books here and June of 2019 dr. Shaffer released her newest book which is the book that we're on this topic today talking about is called I love you but I hate your politics and it was published and it appeared on MSN
Morning Joe Fox News Kennedy cspn in CNN in support of the book she got sick she did a lot of research and it came from over 50 interviews from every hyperkinetic play mix taco from friends and relatives to Lover's has lost her own experience as she is a die-hard live happily married many years to install Washington I love you but I hate your politics exam is the political disagreements that are raging a personal relationships like never before welcome. How are you doing why don't you be with you and I have exactly 40 years of marriage this Saturday to a conservative now I have to tell you that he is not so this has made my life much easier
how to deal with our political and what are the reason this book comes directly from my own experience because it's not easy to do but when you do it
you add so much love your lunch and so much wisdom to your relationship
but the difficulties of getting along with another person even if you get exactly the same you have learned to do it right so this is even if you don't because we don't know how to do that when people are dating they only date somebody
yeah I know when you said jumping directly into this topic and you said that are in your book went which I read it's gone from 9% of enter marriage to 20% when my husband and I got married and I was actually he's at yourself but we're married now when I wrote the book it went down to 9% God knows where it is now
it's just such a terrible separation in our hearts that we don't imagine that someone from the other side I'll be good I can be a good friend or somebody who agrees with us and I think it's even more now in the sense of us being very isolated yes the other light so I blason with Coco bread and all that I'm first they really do want to know how you're doing well I have to say that everybody really test Infamous the Dozen
and we actually moved up to our house in the country 2 hours away because of what was going on in New York city so the only people that wear around our each other out in the woods and let me tell you that is really with Justin to writing a book deal with identity through cancer a nice life topic so and right now we're in New York City
but it has been a real Challenge and where can I play back in the day you get your news I mean before years ago like once a day and now I'm uses constantly 24/7 yes acceptance speech of virtually it was no audience
it was amazing and this is why we are really under enormous enormous pressure and this is when you need to really think about what you doing and what you saying and what you shouldn't say because we had this idea in an intimate relationship with a friend or lover lover yeah everything to anybody everybody we have a stand to see that this other person if we share politics
we don't
what is exactly like you in what they know and what they believe in what they want ice cream so important to really learn how to have a conversation where you disagree and if you can do an apology crazy
it really did and I have to say I was worse than my husband okay I'm 45 years of 45 years you are there in a day or two the 40th anniversary but in the last few years I had an idea see if you had the right they come to my husband
magazines in the United States most of the people thank God I have a secret to tell you some of them are really nice people that you liked by my persuasive ideas that he should change his mind
and I was very frustrated so this was naive on my part and I think I think arrogance is a choice for women
okay and is that what made you decide to write the book and people are starting to call me and right because you know I'm about to get a divorce because my husband and I can't have a conversation and let me take this couple came from a different city and they were in there okay and that he loves Trump
Beach House 3 4 house you may remember this in the book
she wouldn't let him listen to Fox News in the basement
all the way down in the mood of the Airways with them know like I said you can't
you cannot do that and I had an excellent marriage in anyways a lot of difficulties they were smart they had a lot in common but she felt she was never do I do that everyday and I said today was the last day or else
I never thought they were going to work it out with anything I did but I have to say it didn't help right right right and one of the reasons why I wanted to do this for that I've seen here not my family member but other family members because we're there so just agreement about politics it's destroy Father and Son relationship
so we have the European you know that's different and so we're on a different to be both look at politics different so my party I support another party so we don't let it break us up because I understand how he came to that
but I think that unusual some people want their husband or wife to change her mind because you're wrong and look I thought it was wrong I thought he was wrong about a woman's right to choose and send check to where we want donations we talk to our friends are our colleagues about the things just agree and we know that there's certain topics that are off-limits
what do you honestly think compared to any other election. The business becomes so polarizing so emotional at a party but I do believe it's because it's all on our phones and everything you know what are the things I cancel people do not if you have somebody in your family or your friend or your husband a wife who's on social media all the time and they just agree with you don't you don't have to see it you know what it is why why stick it in your own face like there and have a fight about what you don't do it we're going to disagree about whether this is the worst things I've never been he says that the late sixties were much worse because people were being killed and they were riots and
a little bit now but
myself but you know now now I'm older I'm in LIC was worried about the future I worried and I went when you're a teenager but I think this is a very dangerous, and that's a big problem
if somebody has different politics than you
people don't talk to level for backer
do I need to open to your ideas as long as you support Trump you're the enemy and a relationship can't you put this aside and the answer was no
like I'd probably because maybe became part of her value system I guess in some aspect but I don't think when do we vote for is necessarily the most fundamental aspect of Manila we called the chemotherapy and what is that
that is when you're lying in hospital bed getting chemotherapy and someone is standing by your bed helping me get through it you do not share their political affiliation I think that's the fundamental thing and we both have cancer over the years and we both have people from the other side and put in each other that's the answer me if they don't see this and I agree with your politics at all and I hope they all know don't go
yeah we have to definitely look out for one another and and be there for each other and it's not about the you know the politics and just we have to be each other's Brothers yes definitely a short break and we come back we're going to talk more about different techniques and different suggestions that you given you but I love you but I hate your politics
during this difficult time that we are all facing
how many people are in need of someone to talk to when option is speaking to a therapist to express your anxieties if you're feeling isolated or just need someone that will listen and help you with coping skills to get through
dr. April Brown is now accepting new clients and is working with her existing clients distance video counseling the services are through a secure online HIPAA based practice management platform called Simple practice this technology can provide a secure two-way interactive video counseling session over the internet
for more information about video counseling please email dr. April Brown at info at dr. April Brown
dot-com or you may call 239-565-6921 thank you and remember we are all in this together
hi welcome back to the bring intimacy back show I'm on the show today and I'm talking with dr. Schaefer and she has a great book cuz I love you but I hate your politics here's a picture of it and this is actually the English version of the of the buck but definitely check it out I know it's on Amazon and so let me ask dr. Schaefer
I'm in your book one of the things you put down here it's political persuasion is our national bad love affair is that mean because we hear that we can change another person's mind and if you think about all the bed love of one of the main things that most people want to do to make that pussy love you agree with you and so I feel like that now that we can't breathe and love each other is inconceivable
with a Sprint is doing no to people who agree on
but it's a dangerous thing that we all have to agree and I'm curious with thousands of I'm couples so in the different Generations you know I'm does it matter in the sense of this whole political division is it harder like a millennial couple whose very young and maybe have that notion that I can change another person versus maybe a generation axe even though they live longer and they understand politics a little bit more I mean our maybe they understand politics
and they but they must change somebody else and they really ought to be changeable and if that person is something wrong with college friends and one of them in your mind but you have to think like this only a good person
the hell with you and her friend were outraged that she was going out with the truck and they said I mean it's a joke but it's not a joke
not as though nobody on the other side deserve to live people who are on the other side
right exactly you know because otherwise you would show
I don't know if you know what I don't want to be in that way I want to be able to appreciate other people for their real qualities and not just about who they both were there a lot of people who have it right
voting that was a Twist part of your empty your whole personality your value as a person where did we get this idea
I'm giving you a minority.
Because most people steal that who you vote was who you are and what's happening to spell is a really being ripped apart you know what it was last year the number of people who truncated their sex giving generously an hour to spend an hour Less in the in the company of your sandwich with people disagreed with my
people don't get invited to Christmas because they have different politics
people seem like they have to talk about politics and nothing else at the dinner table or The Breakfast Table it's like our obsession
yes and you just made an interesting thing people believe that who we both part is defines us
yeah if you know what I want to ask or a listeners do you not know anybody who vote the same way you do who you wouldn't invite to dinner or you wouldn't trust important because if you don't I don't know who you are
in the sense of you know we talked just like we talked about relationships in the sense that you know Partners in a relationship but I saw this also impacts families who have grown up kind of together you know maybe you know some of the children are one-way versus the other way other the father's different than the daughter
do you think that same concept of the results or is who we are well I think that a lot of people I interviewed parents and children sibling all kinds of situations like that because I didn't appreciate them yes or yes and one woman that I spoke to us it was troubling to me in a way that her mother-in-law was wonderful of a grandfather for nothing
was a very left-wing Democrat or mothering if you almost ruined the relationship and I said why do you love her she loves her children she's great as long as I don't know I think it's more like I want to appreciate somebody's good quality but the woman was a trump supporter and the man was very left-wing and he said well my mother and father disagreed and my mother left my phone so it's disagree politically she's going to leave me
oh my gosh I mean this is how people are thinking it's really right
will you be able to understand the other book you mention political infidelity as he became conservative because they still people feel that if
if somebody disagrees with you it's not usually that you
it's not an act a person doesn't owe you political Fidelity the way they owe you sexual Fidelity or I'll let you know each other to agree politically
now on I'm taking the bright strong stand on because Society is not religion it's not go around it really isn't there are people who are immoral who have particular maybe more on the other side isn't whatever is a wonderful person either
you're not you're not seeing real because relationships are new one hair grow
I just find that I want to learn about what other people think of me and you know I want them to feel safe and comfortable talking about what they do they know where my beliefs are in a psychoanalyst used to never be able to say anything cuz I read a book about this and we have to be authentic anyway kind of how we Define ourselves and
and that maybe we should only stick with the people in our group where did that beliefs that message get sent to us as Americans
where can we get that way oh my God
probably since since the Reagan Administration at least people started being very very one-sided of the other I know people who who left it at Reagan's inauguration I think like this and I think that may have been right right and it's not how a lot of churches would go for one political view and that's what I was talking about but yeah they talk about one political view and and you get ingrained in that and and maybe that was one of the ways of how this all got started and set
so this was across-the-board LLC
and people got crazy God I couldn't stand his character and the other one thought he was the greatest thing in the world. This well I think I understand exactly
people we are projections on the political campaign and political party and I don't I'm not I just started I want to
where could you get that please
I was so moved by what you said I never expect he's talking about things that matter to me we haven't heard that sexual I will protect everyone even people who didn't vote you know that this is a disaster and we haven't heard that and I really I was kind of how much it meant to me
I will protect all Americans
I didn't expect my reaction depicted gotten to me so strongly that I didn't know that I was feeling so frightened by how things were not being taken care of right right and I think we talked about earlier with all the social media with all the news and everything that's going on if when we watch this and even if not even watching it constantly gets into us where it's made us fearful it's made us scared absolutely no control right that he was lying that he didn't think it would you know
yes we're going to take a short break and when we come back dr. Shaffer will explain to us some tips on how to look past this and how to talk with our partners loved one in spouse's about politics or even how to agree to disagree on this commercial. Tell us about what you did what services you provide how people can reach out to you on your books and all that information they're okay would you like me to tell you now well as I said I've been in practice for 45 years and I'm the author of seven books currently all of the chair on Amazon you can look at my website which is Jeanne safer S a f e r i p h d.com it's got all of my TV appearances on my radio on my article anything you want to know about the topic skip
what I consider chabuton people think about about with others
observation women who choose not to be mothers are people who do better in life after their parents know that was a contribution and I would have booked an obsessive love and I have a second one over Oriental practice because I have so much personal experience and as I said I'm now writing a book on it's called Sarah and joy preserving identity to cancer and I'm hoping that that will be published next year quite a book to write I've met people that make me feel good about the human race
because one of the things all of them seem to think about is how can I use my stairs to help run it when was the last time you heard that job so I can show you what you're missing and I have a particular kind of unusual that are such a great
the royal road to the unconscious
so that's that's the saddest things that are precious to me and I feel I feel very grateful that I have patients who are from both sides of the political spectrum and several of my patients have become therapist themselves and give us a real honour
thank you so much for letting us know all about what you do and stuff yeah so I'm on this part right here would love to talk about different chips or no one at the main well
one of the main steps you say is not to drink and talk politics even though I've heard from people who drink liquid courage the courage because it's the same conversation with somebody oh my god did you ever have a coherent discussion a regular discussion was so desperate
another important do not solicit manuscript don't send your person sitting across from your breakfast did they disagree with dust do to this never start a little discussion by saying how can you possibly believe if you want to have a discussion
you start with asking them what they think and why they sneak it in a decent way and tell me what you are I want to know why do you think conversations
otherwise you can order a social media line myself in my own relationship and what I've learned is that smart you are a brilliant your conversation how persuasive you think you are. In order to have a real political conversation
is it you're talking to somebody who's a different person from you they have their own set of values they have their own ideas that have their own history and you are not going to change them by showing them the error of your ways you can ask them about what they think and feel they made out of their own ideas but they're not going to change because you and once you accept that
you can talk I think it is exactly as easy as it is
which is here at like did anybody ever make somebody else
it's the same with politics or this person is always going to be Republic do it exactly and then I think it's great you mention asking them why like why in this core belief that that you believe in other words you're saying for the person who's asking the question to
step into that person's worldview yes precisely but you got it also
Oyster Point when you can get to the point with other people to say I want to know where you come from Wednesday
then you can have them and you can learn a lot of things and I know and I remember when it when the Kavanaugh hearing
and I said I really think it depends on what to do
I didn't say that's how I said it
so where's that you can make your point that are not expensive enough money and you have to work out your own self which we all have you voted for this
that's just to let off steam
it's not it's not going to work and once you accept the only person that you can really influence in the whole world is yourself and then right
yeah I was just thinking even in the sense of another good tip is therapy because we learned how to ask questions that do not put people in defense mode that's right is that what you're talking about is how do you talk to your partner or happy discussions without putting that other person in defense mode in discussions about any other difficult complicated emotional situation
if you can't talk to somebody about other subjects you're not people feel very strongly but I don't think it's different for learning to communicate
and when you have a great communication you have to build a safe and the person you're communicating has to feel safe and you have to use self-control I think we underestimated how important self-control we can get this idea that the being honest and being forthright in a sentence but the degree of that way we do that when we do with who we do it with those things count
also you have to learn and you have to learn not to say thing is certain and passionate and she happens to be a wonderful woman and she wants your help to talk about abortion with her
a story that I wanted to kind of understand what you talked about it because I felt differently
is that the one I had to go to the hospital every day for a year she wanted to come with me so amazing
yeah I think it's more able to when you have to verse friends you expand your mind you spend your worldview it makes you feel I don't know what I want to know because it expands What I Know Who I Am to allow if you into my life and I have to make an effort to feel why somebody steals what is somebody working why would why would a person that I care about and I see was a wall person birth control
and I want to know that what I know exactly yeah I need so I would love him to be transported in large you get to know more about the other person to send that and how they grew up and like I said my partner's from Belgium so I let me explain more of how socialism worked in his life I understood more yes yes absolutely
are encouraged to have their world expanded a little bit by a conversation website right. Com information there tons of bugs and she's always there to help out and sell thank you so much for being on the show in this has been to bring intimacy back show where intimacy as well and thank you guys for listening and if you're looking for more information about bringing this Missy back he's just got out website or follow us on YouTube Facebook iTunes or Spotify thank you