welcome to the bring intimacy back show where intimacy is real on the show we believe that intimately connecting with your self your significant other children family business Network community and your higher power can elevate your life to work toward the positive future that's we explore intimate topics inspiring life stories spiritually and insightful tips on strengthening relationship this show is hosted by dr. April a Florida licensed mental health counselor relationship and intimacy therapist check out past shows on Apple iTunes Spotify to YouTube or wherever you listen to your podcast now let's get this episode of the bring intimacy back show started because we share with you the secret power to intimacy to create a life you love or love the life you create now here's your host dr. April
what time do the bring intimacy back show where intimacy is real well today guys you know I have a very special guest you know many of us are in relationships and we're trying to figure out where we love them and he hates imagine you say what kind of relationship is there as you know how did I end up here just all this kind of stuff where do I go from here well that's what guys I have someone who is an expert in the field who knows about relationships that only through a practices but she also has rent a great book which just came out and it's called I hate the man I love a country this relationship is your key to success is available throughout the Amazon in the Friday of things to let me welcome the person I'm talking about welcome John Charles thank you so much pleasure to be here appreciate the invitation
give you guys some more information about that but she's been in private practice since 1978 and she specialized in couples therapy she's known as an encounter Center couples therapist your office at blade fits in South Florida from correct yes yes okay yes she provides 225 days intensive today's intensive couples she's appeared on mini mini National shows including Oprah Winfrey on this is actually her third book she's the author of The Myth of the median of being a woman and why did she jump which talks about her daughter's battle with buying car so Joan welcome congratulations on your third drug of course thinking about well
where did you get this title wouldn't even inspired you to write this book will that the book The Birth of the book him right out of my prep private practice and like you said I'm 1978 which makes me a dinosaur giving you look wonderful 42 years now and still in it when I would hear a shrieking I I hate you I hate you I hate him I hate him he's a jerk he's things that I can't say on the air right now but he said that came out of their mouth in The Stomping and slamming door isn't taking their Prada bags are there Gucci bags and throwing it over their shoulders and just yelling I'm done I'm done I hate you I hate you you're an idiot you're a jerk and blah blah blah that happened so many times it was almost like a recording of the women's voices that were frustrated
it's okay when she comes back she's going to go into more information and indisposed she does talk about a variety of couples or individuals are women who may have entered in a relationship whether it's been 5 years they get very very very frustrated with their partner when they come into counseling so what happened was when they would come in sometimes privately they would say I hate him like I'm I'm done I hit him I said well why are you with someone that you hate well because I love them all so when they're not a jerk and when they are available so emotionally available and when their present to me I love them so we I realize that that's a great title for a book I hate the man I love because we can and often do have oppositional feelings that coexist simultaneously not just with our partners but with our children are
children have it with us we have it sometimes with friends so it's part of the human condition to have a love-hate relationship at times it's not that you really hate him that you hate some of the behavior but it feels like you hate him so the book was born out of my office and in the women that end up even then I mean men have the same feelings but I really kind of targeted men but I will say this April please let your audience know that this is not a male bashing book and that men can learn more about how to have a CO create a conscious relationship with their Partners that's what it's not a man-hating book that all it's a book that provides insight and one of the things since we're starting to South you talked about you know I hate the man I love but in the beginning part of why we choose someone you mention
in the book which is a lot of times has to deal with how we were raised that's right and we unconsciously choose a partner and I unconsciously that will actually give us the biggest nightmare of our lives only to help us resolve unresolved conflicts from our wounded childhood and then we we hire them to do the things that the dysfunctions of our early life into the present and into the future and that's really the essence of the National Space yeah I many people sometimes think I'm about their childhood that have nothing to do with my relationship
did you go out why why you even asking that and so you're even stating and even for couples who are out there maybe they're struggling and you have kids watching of course what's going on the importance of childhood
yes yes yes and how that affects these how you how you see yourself and how you choose your partner we only know what we know so our role modeling as children served as as the way we re follow the same way only know what we know is that it's just a very natural thing and doing what comes naturally is not necessarily healthy so I'm with that end with the some people with childhood issues do you address that later on and therapy without a part of the process without a doubt and so I'm since we're talking about your process just a little bit what is the essence of your therapeutic approach
well it's a comp culmination of many many margiela teas that I have used over the years and I've never created my own there is no real agenda when people come in and they want to know what do I have to do it's like Lola lift see the see where the road takes us it's very natural and organic and it's fun tedious but is the utilization of many of the grace and the near gray starting with Virginia's at your way back when she was part of the family and utilizing her work and then became which is what I'm doing now and transformational therapy they change the words to transformational cuz it is if I was the first associate Affiliates for John Bradshaw vacuum 1989 and while he was doing all that wonderful work for Recovery he was dealing with inner child
he did a relationship worked here. Maintaining and creating healthy relationships and then I have forwarded Morris movies at Lee and Gordon took that I'm certified in that and then I'll go and then from Imago to rest a little bit of that and it came up with was depending upon who's sitting in front of me I utilize what I think is important in the moment but the inner child was happening now that I take them back to the first original pain when do you remember what's the first picture that you get when you felt this way in
moment right back to it yeah yeah yeah I was just thinking out there listening and we're staying in her child and you know things that happened in childhood and people are like I don't believe it I don't believe it can you share just a tad bit of a story in your eye mean you have beautiful stories and they have couples a woman who's had some childhood stuff and how that impact her relationship that I talked about the power of the team who are very addicted to powerful men Richmond powerful men celebrities and most of them that were interested in the lifestyle the money
a lot of them had any issues around around scarcity never had and feeling inadequate and feeling myself Worthy is Willow and they always sell somewhere unconscious level even though many of them are very very bright have to be somebody that was you know that really was substantial and they ended up marrying men not the real reasons of love and important but to the money for the power because it made them feel safe and secure these other women that never had a secure attachment and so they're looking for love in all the wrong places and they end up there's always a younger women is always have a prettier one when they get used and abused
attracted to powerful men but there are relevant and so necessary to go back to the child that lives inside of us. I'm glad she mention it's also you mention about conscious and unconscious and I think sometimes a lot of that childhood stuff is still in the unconscious absolutely yes yes what is title is about a conscious relationship
what is a conscious relationship relationship with yourself who am I why am I here with my purpose in life and what about my shadow side the dark side of me am I aware of it do I embrace it or do I defend myself all the time so what you get to know yourself before you can really have a relationship then you can have an Attunement to a partner but until then you can getting to know your Shadow side is very important not just mine but who I'm with also that's the idea that is really the essence of a conscious and aware and has to have the children to arm myself into my other and I was like she mentioned that in your book also
knowing yourself because I think when you know yourself you can take responsibility but you start using defense mechanisms in your communication and you either blame the other person you criticize you find Falls are judgmental all the things that John gottman talks about in his Works which were they at least call them this world are being called on it's all you have to do is look at it and say well with what did I really do that and it can own it and just say I'm sorry it's so easy yes yes
you have to understand that the relationship does not live in each of the partners it lives in the space between them that relation will stay overtime has to be cleansed in the absence of my work you know we are hard-wired our brains are hardwired for connection so when we go into a disconnect we going to crisis and the brain is the only organ in the whole body that cannot self-regulation it always needs another brain to self right to regulate so that's the important connections and the connection is a whole goal in doing therapy with couples but you have to go back to the childhood to find out how they got to where they are
okay well we're going to take a short break and when we come back we're going to talk about that connection that you're talking about and how to strengthen it when it's been destroyed or damaged by each person or also by the couple of stuff we'll take a short break and when we come back we're going to talk more with young child about I hate the man I love are you wanting to feel empowered love secured respected and inspired in these uncertain times if so dr. April a licensed mental health counselor and relationship and sex therapist who specializes in intimacy can help you when are you were in need of inside and skills to work through a struggling relationship through couple counseling or to understand your anxiety or depression in individual counseling or to figure out your life goals and coaching these areas also sheep
services for emotional support animal documentation supervision and workshop in addition dr. April has a group practice called Cape Coral therapist Cape Coral therapist has an awesome team of male and female mental health therapists who specialize in various areas including mental health Christian Counseling trauma addiction immigration and forth counseling and are ready to serve you the Cape Coral therapist team which is rated 5-star on Google reviews is known as the Dream Team because of their energy and passion for therapy and determination to provide you with effective and solution-focused counseling for you and your family in a safe and confidential environment for more information on how you can schedule an appointment in person or virtually with Doctor April or any of the therapist at Cape Coral therapist please call 239-565-6921 and you are welcome to visit dunker April's website w
UW. Dr. April braun.com and www. Cape Coral therapist.com you can follow dr. April on LinkedIn at dr. April Brown you can follow Cape Coral therapist on Facebook at Cape Coral therapy just remember Dr April and her team of therapist and resources can help you strengthen your intimate connections with yourself your loved ones your community and your higher power
welcome back to the begin intimacy show where intimacy is real and on today's show we are talking about relationships relationships for some people wear their struggling with a feel like I love them to hate him I don't know how to go about all this well we have a wonderful wonderful licensed clinical social worker who has been in the field on for long-time how much a lot of expertise in relationship my name is Joni Charles and we've been talking about her latest book I hate the man I love a conscious relationship and your key to success so welcome back Joe nice I was thinking about what you said in the last segment so now we've talked a little bit about people and they have all this inner child work to do
my next question are going through this like if I'm in a relationship and it's coming out like I'd I don't know what to do and you said it's easy to take ownership
but how easy is that and how can we start to bridge that Gap to maturity are the majority of the person and the understanding that there are issues or conflict internal and interests psychic as well as interpersonal that have to be resolved that there if you look at yourself it was I think it was Socrates that said a life unexamined is not a life worth living question is do you want me to explore put some people have patterns they keep repeating the same thing over and over again and they never stopped to answer to look at why do I keep picking the same kind of partner the same kind of man and they're in their forties or fifties when they suddenly a bill goes off and says that I need to look at within myself now I do have people that
send that are more aware that their health issues maybe they came from an alcoholic or drug family so loud that you couldn't have used Either Ore and they really realize that they've been really their disadvantage they've been disenfranchised from what were they really need to know about themselves and their other is worth more a nocuous or more subliminal where they're really don't have them on one of those where I came from a very high-functioning family and I was given a lot of support to become the person I was intended to be with one exception when I was a little girl
she was kind enough to let me play with it for about 10 minutes and then she and she wanted a back and it's not practical you need something that's going to be more useful I was 5 years old eight-years-old come from New York and I was so excited cuz I knew the job was there and I knew exactly where it was wet showcase what floor we took the train into into Penn Station and we were marching to Macy's and I saw that. As soon as I walked in I could see it on the right hand side of the first floor on the show with life and it was a blond I want to go blonde with the curls that cascaded down her shoulders and as he walked by he was holding my hand
alarm in the middle and once again I'm going to get you something for your birthday is as much more practical here it is and it was a it was a 80 bass green chartreuse accordion accordion oh my gosh and that BJ my Nemesis and it was he didn't innocently didn't love me but I had loved me his way like and I didn't get to be to become the person that I was intended to be I had to live out his assignments what was the Korean. He was kind of abuse you can't really say I was abused we had I had almost everything that anybody could want we were very poor by the way I have one. Off my whole life ID. Will you put a little water in the mouth and refused to pee out the back so
I would love just but according to my father's way of showing Love So based upon that compared to what so many of my clients are going through which was in a horror stories just as when I think I've heard the worst Story the next one comes in that's worse than that one so in its really what was the damage that has been done to child's to the child's mind and soul and spirit and I was so glad that you see you include the higher power in your introduction to not only having a relationship with yourself but also one with your higher power essential to do children grow up in various forms of dysfunctional family systems because every family including my own was dysfunctional to a greater or lesser and we all had this function like I said to it the greater or lesser that's in Paris the development of the of the Mind of a child is a great video I'm sure you seen it this
no face experiment with a parent and a little about at 8 maybe a year old baby not even a year old where they have her playing with the baby in the high chair and talking and laughing and interacting and cooing and then they asked him whether to turn away for a moment and come back in just not give her any animation not give her any presents in whatsoever just still face and then you see the baby become so uncomfortable and pressure that I'm starting to cry and basically that it was a wonderful metaphor for how important it is in relationships grown ups to be present for each other to be able to learn the landscape of our partners space to learn their language. To really really know who they are and that's how you get to know who you are to it's it's really a teaching to Ulta
children are my best teachers much better than my parents were so but of course you have to be open and committed to the process of learning about yourself and the other person as well like you mentioned a great thing that you talked about in the book just now about being present because in her book she also talks about you know this bridge but you got to be present that's the first part of what I do and I see a couple I spend maybe 20 minutes to having them learn how to be present and it's not easy I know it's cuz I have them sit 18in apart by the way I want to mention Hedy schleifer who is Ben my last Mentor I have several metres beginning maybe was Virginia's that are all the way through John Bradshaw on and gottman and and I'm so many of them
and the last one was Hedy schleifer whose work was profound she puts it all together and I've been I have not heard by myself but I utilize all these wonderful modalities and in the spirit of trying to help couples so I spend at least 20 minutes teaching couples how to beat the art of present thing about 18 inches apart 44cm you look into each other's eyes you take the hands feet on the ground she puts her her legs into his you'll hold hands you feel the skin on each I knew cuz only the two people know that skin nobody knows it better by the way the skin is the largest organ as we know anybody and I have them gaze into the eyes of the other but it is the most amazing experience be caffeine to each other so kind of exactly
there and stay with your eyes not with words thank you for showing up thank you I appreciate it just with your eyes you have to have a warm eyes and an open heart and you look into each other's eyes hold each others hands and then after a few moments I said see if you can find the little girl inside your partner about 7 years old and of course I say the opposite see if you can get a little boy and what they might have look like when they were six or seven years old and focus on the child inside of them and I do that I have them focus on the eyes and stay in the state of presents for at least 5 minutes and let me tell you April at me you know they're fidgeting I said that I had them cheap and make him do it until they get it in a nice way of course I don't force anything cuz the first thing I asked for when couples come to me
you do the same thing you mentioned it a few minutes ago is I need a big fat yes from both of you because I don't have any magic rabbits that come out of a hat or a magic wand that makes us better you have to want this is much as you possibly can and if you both give me a big fat yes we can move forward so basically I read out couples who are not going to be successful from day one and you have to have the commitment do you have to have the I want this to work I know I know I know I know if we're in a bad place right now and where you know what maybe on my marriage is on the Rocks where we're on the cusp of the rocks are we officially going to this pandemic 36 or 34% higher in divorce rates back in April so that is created a lot of a lot of frustration and contentiousness
but you're the big fat yes is it essential you have to have that that is that commitment are you can I you with me are you with me are you going to be with each other so which we can move forward and once you get that I can move to the next step but I need them to understand that we start every session out with a few moments of taking a deep breath and feeling your feet on the floor feeling grateful that you're alive and that you're with each other and that look who's here you know the first showed up yes so it takes a few moments to do that more than a few moments I would say at least five five minutes of just getting centered and getting present and then we move on from there and when did the thing sounded very interesting and your book is for couples mean it after she says you know they're being present she actually helps couples walk over to
Bridge really impactful on how you do that in dealing with all their hurts and pains but so talk a little bit about that I don't want to give it all away cuz I want people to read the book but I just think that bridge part was very important helping couples overcome a lot of stuff that's happening in a relationship but that's part of pennies worth I just a three-year master class with her and there were several things from all over the world that attended we met them twice a year for 5 days in each time between here and we have that how late we have a colleague a relationship or friendship with those people than that never went away because we have that strong connections your head is Slifer what she was saying you what I'm going to say to you is that there is called a 3 invisible connectors one is a relational space that we talked about that it's become polluted overtime but we have to try to make
sacred once more and the second is the bridge is an imaginary bridge going from my neighborhood to your neighborhood so that is essential and that's a very profound part of the process and you have to talk to where is the visitor it's if that's we're going to need from the bridge to the 3rd and Isabel connect your wishes the encounter and there's a person between the and so you have to imagine that there's a bridge between is called the brainbridge actually in and narrow biology that's what it is like the way you think about everything
Customs agent one side and that doesn't belong on my side take it back and the other person is and if you wants to be the visitor it's not always that easy sometimes they both want to do the hosts on the what would be in the best I'll be the house all right I'll be there so I give them directions as they host
find me a voice more than no more than five to eight words and then they would say that's down the street called and she has to fill in what that treated anything she wants it could be severe anxiety loneliness anger or whatever she wants to call Allen inviting you over to my neighborhood visit me and a street called a lot and he says
what I heard you say is you're invited me over to your neighborhood Dance troupe called anger am I with you that I'm coming over and and I let him know when you get to her neighborhood and you completely like that and then when you went when I hear you or when I see you come home drunk next day and then he asked me what I heard you say is that you get angry when I come home it's actually entering into her world that's exactly right
people are not really they're not really good listener responding for they even hear what you have to say this a lot to talk over a normal session that said just talk therapy your life organized process that has to be followed structurally the way is to buy so if you have to teach is a lot of teaching involved and I stood between them face-to-face 18 inches apart and perpendicular next to them and if I suspect that he's bringing something over to where is that coming
when they grow quite right because they don't teach about relationships or intimacy and you're growing up you just look at some whatever you see and you baste you know your own stuff on that I'm look at yeah yeah we're going to take another short break but in this break I'm Joan I would love for you to let out audience know about all your services what you do and everything that you bring to the table to help all these couples South and you've been doing for 50 or 40 years 40 years and so people know how to reach you in case they're struggling to thank u j o a n e child child s.com and I provide individual and couples counseling both and I do some intensive where I work
for more than a day sometimes two days and sometimes three days with either a couple or individuals and which is intense therapy its mass times therapy or I'm up right now I'm doing mainly what you're doing I'm sure virtual therapy which is online and most of my sessions are on zoom and in addition to that I do a lot of speaking I also on June because everything is virtual now we have to accommodate to the to the pandemic I've got one coming up from New Zealand very shortly on the 13th and one on the 19th from Singapore so but I have I have a home office now I close my mail office because I haven't been there since March so people can find me online on zoom and you can certainly get me to my website I write a lot
blogs on relationships and all you have to do is go on my website and hit the click on blue eyes and you'll be able to read all of the relay all the articles that are right I think I covered the material is there anything else that I left I think you did yes yes if you guys need to reach out to our definitely go to our website at WWJ HL stock cam yes so and if anybody's out there listening and they have questions please feel free to call in at 888-627-6008 now I'm we do have some questions that people have asked concerning this whole topic are Joan and so one question I have from Susan from North Carolina is she is married to an alcoholic
well and she doesn't know what she should do just because the drinking is getting so much that she feels very being abused but she also has children and he provides for her and she really wants to go to therapy but she doesn't even know if that can help well let me answer that part first absolutely if you can help because this is a struggle that it's very difficult to do alone without the support of some kind of a professional so I would strongly urge you to get some therapy so that you have at least somebody that has your back and that can be that help you set boundaries and not to be co-dependent with the drinking and certainly no therapist at least none that I know I'm sure you feel the same way with support a relationship where there is abuse that's not that's something that I don't do
I cannot support a relationship with the last thing you want to do is be that only reinforces the co-dependency it's a difficult situation when you're dependent on money and I'm divorced with five children my husband was my ex-husband was not an alcoholic but he was an inveterate Gambler you can do in a fairy of things to do that and I was not willing to sacrifice my life and my children call rejection so I would support you and I'm getting a therapist so you can learn to set boundaries and not
a good provider Italy is the field scarier than the reality of it is but you will be taken care of by divorce are worse off than children that something divorced homes where at least one parent is happier and feel is free so they're in the poor people who wear their spouses are an eviction to try to work it through it first to see if they can get the help but if you if you know if you can't accept it then you have to change it if you can't change it then you have to leave it I definitely thank you for answering that question we have another one from Leslie from North Dakota and Leslie says to him she's been told that she's codependent and she's
what you doing and you just made it worse could happen if they didn't have any use yes codependency things to be lazzara of addictions from from alcohol or drugs and spending money working Workaholics love addiction pornography just a long time ago and I think
transcend that also it's when you feel that you can't be you can't really feel whole without the other person and you're attached to that person and it without that person your life is meaningless than you even going to depression with anxiety and that's kind of like we talked about my other half don't make a whole codependents is is really unto itself and addiction and anyone that feels boundaries and limits and protect themselves and grow up repairing themselves
I hope I answered your question and vonetta questions come from Tanya from Seattle and she says that I'm going to do in this covid basically we've been home instead of we've been eating a lot of that kind of stuff and her husband told her that he's just not attracted to her anymore well we can look at herself again this is where you do self-exploration it's not on the way she mask to look at what she can do to try to lose the weight and take care of herself before we were already an addictive culture
and also frustrated and anxious when it's going to get over we never expected it to be this long and a lot of a lot of turmoil a lot of a lot of resentment is built up and eating is our another addiction is another way out just to calm ourselves comfort food lines that are putting on weight and you love yourself it's about self-love self-care and just making a decision that would be in your best interest if you can't do it alone. Yes the Joan what makes a relationship work
well this book. Calling the three C's go operation communication and collaboration communicate therapy crossing the bridge and having the encounter people don't grow up and learning about this because most people out of their parents resolve conflict they probably never did and they swept it under the carpet and the carpet grew in the began to look like this without so they used anger or stonewalling or getting drunk leaving the house or a lot more that I came to mention right now so the communication
you really need someone like a professional therapist to be able to teach them to you and not just you but your spouse also your partner also and and you have to have the same thing the commitment the collaboration the willingness to the stick it out to learn how to do it it's just like learning how to swim you can read 100 books on how to swim but you're never going to learn how to swim to you get in the water and there's a zillion books out there they're all good my book is a great I mean is terrific but it's not the it's not the end-all be-all you have to have an experience which is where therapy comes in to go in there and this is the best investment you can make in your life because it's how to preserve and protect yourself and your relationship so and it's one more thing I want to say about it. It's important to remember what it felt like when you're first on love is hard over the years but there was a time that you stood
something by or freeze to a minister was letting you express your valise back to what it was like to look in gays in the eyes of your bride Hunter with a kind of you never get married making love it doesn't work out I'll get a divorce with some people do but most of us don't and so you had a time that you were in love then over the years that relational space became contaminated polluted so we have to learn how to be grateful for having each other to be kind each other to be gentle to each other to realize that we only have this one life and that is short one you know and so we want to make the most of that what really matters you know many of us grew up not feeling that we matter we didn't have a secure attachment you think somebody's going to give it to us but all we're doing is rehashing what we didn't have right into the relationship so
question April there's so many answers to that I'm sure you can add more to mine but if a good question and we should all ask ourselves that question and find the answers certainly we we know that well enough to know what we want and if we're not getting it we have to find out why not like definitely thank you so much for answering that question and stuff and one of the things I want to say to audience and even to compliment you on it that you've been in the field for so long that it's really good when people read this book that they see the different understandings of couples can you use different analogies and and stuff so we can appeal to a variety of people and also in the sense that they determined to go into therapy I talked about some of the great therapist in there and philosophers of course to well I just want to say to everyone else here that if you ever thought of leaving a man or woman that you love
the one who can drive you to orgasm and anger in the same day this book is essential reading and there's already somebody else's sucks but this is my mic is kind of like what somebody asked me why did you do this because it really reading a book is the easiest part of it is marketed doing what I'm doing today with your base hard with a big investment emotionally a big investment financially and time-wise I put a lot of effort into it and some reason why don't you do it then I'm your 81 years old and I tried to 81 this year since you look wonderful amazing wanted to impart what was so was I felt was so important that I had knowledge that I wanted to share with the world and you know that I wanted to give back to the universe with the universe
given to me so I didn't really have a conscious choice and doing it it was interesting cuz I didn't even ask why am I doing this until someone asked me right it was really I was like telling me to go to the computer and so I just you know I just feel that it's so important if we want to maintain a healthy relationship when we want to really know what the tools and resources the skills are like it to use my whole book that's what they'll get out of this and I thank you so much for the opportunity to share this with everyone who's listening to you you're amazing thank you
I hate the man I love a conscious relationship and your key to success please definitely check it out you can go on to her website at WWJ Oni child. Com book I got it on Amazon and put I'm sure it's all over the place all your favorite book stores and all your favorite books to accept it like and you can check her out on LinkedIn Facebook Instagram and Twitter just look her up Joni Childs thank you so much for being on the show we really do appreciate you and you're welcome back anytime Joe to give us your inside in your information on relationships say yes and I wish you a happy holiday and be safe thank you give this so I can have it oh yes yes yes you definitely have a copy of this of the show yes definitely and so this has been to bring intimacy back show thank you guys if you guys like us find us on Twitter
Finance on Facebook on Finance on Spotify like his followers on YouTube we really would love to hear your feedback and we're creating two different things and stuff and just like she was saying earlier about her book about this her dad being an unconscious thing for her to just do to help out the world this is kind of the show is kind of what I'm trying to do just provide information for all you guys out there and four relationship and I will see you in a couple of weeks thanks again