feeling lost and alone looking for validation from your partner only to find the feeling of rejection and continued frustration your together yet so far apart now your frustration is turned into disdain and resentment your insecurities have begun to affect every aspect of your life ironically you have now become the cold and detached one shielding yourself from the uncertainties of your relationships dr. April Brown has created bringing intimacy bag a series of discussions that are designed to help you reclaim what you have lost along the way dr. April will help you ReDiscover and reconnect to the intimate relationship your heart so desires go to ww.w. Bringing intimacy back.com to say and let the healing begin
welcome to the bring intimacy back show where intimacy is real on this show we ain't to help you increase the internet connection with your significant other children Family Friends Business Network Community & Young our power we give you the secret power to intimacy listening today I know that we're in times of uncertainty right now because many of us are stuck at home maybe with the kids stuck at home to order working and things are just stoppable used to and so on the Shelf today we are parking with an expert who helps couples relationships that helps couples move past some of the struggles they have in their relationship and today I'm so blessed to have
John Whiteman hear what I call a miracle man and couples counseling hello John how are you how are you I feel pressure yeah let me tell you a little bit about John and why we call him the Miracle Man John is an experienced marriage and relationship counseling he's the owner of a country is called life coaching in Maryland he has a history of working with couples who are struggling with the connection with infidelity Conflict at the successful business but he has a very very inspiring story because he is a person who is resilient and that's something that many of us are looking for men need to have to in this time of difficulty John has been waiting for lyrics teen years 13 years ago
Strokes in 2 seater John overcame all of these.
How do you tell things that are going on going out the doctor and all that in the house and not feeling well while building is Stockton
John became the first person in Kaiser Permanente history to be removed from the transplant wait for his story is really America welcome to thanks see you fell thank you so much when I hear it's hard to believe that was me
yes yes so John just to get to know you a little bit how did you meet Ben
starting this time journey of coaching and counseling I would say as a kid my mom was my hero and she's a therapist and I remember sitting on a couch one day and she said John you haven't get to see people
and I went into the field which is there no longer is this a long-term psych hospital and I work with the name I'm sure you know very well dr. James Masterson I work with him closely because I was one of his son's friends growing up so I kind of have the inside track and one thing I've learned through my practice and this is not in any data or research about connection is everyone has a story everyone has a dream and if you mess with either one of them when they're talking to you or I pretty simple so
I was married before for 14 years and it didn't work I I wasn't authentic what you doing counseling at the same time as I started in the field and then you know one day we decided to have kids and it was an order to do that I had to give up on my dream
so moved to Maryland Westerfield always stayed involved some way and I I do I learned about that I just could be myself so yes divorce app and I my mom also a battle with cancer she died and a very close friend of mine got killed in car crash
yeah it wasn't a good year so I went on a road where he too much slept too much drink too much and I want Samuel faced eviction 38 months in a row
so one day I took me about 45 minutes to walk to my car
I realize there was something wrong and I went to the hospital and expected to get a pillow and walk out and be on my way and after 4 hours I'm sorry how old were you at that time I was some Irish say I was about
wowowin 45 I'm going around about 45 40 or something and my father was such a decision and he is the first physical I had was in the emergency room you should tell me you treated me with scope on the couch so I expected to get a pill go on my way and they sat me down they said you're in complete liver failure you keep doing what you're doing and you'll be dead 2 months so I said okay and I stopped and I stopped immediately
it took me six months to say the word cirrhosis to myself out loud
and as I walked out of the hospital to cirrhosis I see that's a life sentence
it's not many people can say cirrhosis one of the best things that ever happened to me but it is and I walked out and I said well what do I do now
and I decided if I could be half as strong as my Mom I'd be okay and that was the road that made me feel like I can do this
so through surgeries or thousand pounds of fluid drained from my body and everything I went through I always thought just because you have strong in as I started to get my life together I meant Sherry and Sherry is amazing and we used to talk about you know I worked in this field and I loved it and it was like three
she you know I found the gottman Institute is their trainings and
and then it was it was really
is really tough April because I don through training coaching third station
and I couldn't afford in the office
and Sherry are expressing frustration
and I can't believe I did all this stuff I can't afford to do this
and she said will use my house he's my living room
are you serious she said yeah I was like you're going to let strangers into your house you know than couples in turmoil she said that and I said why won't you do that
and she said because it's your dream and I want you to have a drink
so now he ate 9 years later
I am on this app called Thumbtack recognized as the best in the country so I typically don't file the 50 minute mile
this is their life
okay zip face so much adversity experiencing that adversity to covid-19 in the body of other things that are happening with people with the loss of jobs and housing
family members so what cuz he said here you took that that sentence and you made it to like them what motivates
to live and I I want to be remembered for loving and accepting everyone for exactly who they are and maybe making them laugh a little bit and if I can do that it's a good life as far as
as terrible as it is and we don't have to talk we can talk for hours you and I about the stories we both hurt I chose to look at this is a great opportunity to come together
to come together and build Connection in to see if you have the time you certainly have the time and this can be a good memory we have in all this tough times if it's it's just a great opportunity to spend time together and and talk and connect you can bring you together tear you apart really your decision being so I'd like to hear from my guess what they did find out
intimacy is
the ability to connect
with each other's off Van Exel
the beo to truly be who you are take the armor down
and obviously you know brene Brown vulnerability in this takes place in place and proceeding take place in the kitchen
and it's great how you put it cuz it's not just disconnected but you put in
yeah yeah that's a scary thing to be authentic
that we we we we try to encourage people to be that person feel so much better
and I said that with covid-19 home we're home or
because we're home or I think there is a Tennessee now for now two people to be ignored
hi ho hi ho yeah because we don't have so much to be outside distraction
I asked my couples who have a problem with authenticity I'll say let's just say the man has the problem I'll ask him what does your wife love you and he says yes
and I say well how do you know if you're not being authentic
how do you know that she loves you if maybe she
how do you know she loves you and it's very soft
but like you said it's about being vulnerable and unless you were telling your story seriousness sensor with your own life and with your struggles
you guys met doing your struggles yeah yeah I told her I said I had our first date I had an incredible pain
that took me to the ground and I thought well and you know I tried dating and I'll never forget one day I went on his lunch and I was very open about myomas and a bunch of selling really well and then available on Lauren says you're dying and I said so are you what's your point so when I literally fell to the ground is amazing and she's like don't worry about it I'll get the car and
you know in the end that word we is pretty important to in connection pretty hard to fight when you're saying we'd yeah but if it's some inspiring how you guys were able to connect when things were not you know perfect picture and now as we're enough time of our lives for most of us thinks I'm perfect picture so there's hope for these couples out there listening about how you can help them
connect a difficult times so we're going to take a little bit of rice for a second and then we're going to come back and John is going to the meeting bones of this conversation and how that impacted
during this difficult time that we are all facing many people are in need of someone to talk to when option is speaking to a therapist to express your anxieties if you're feeling isolated or just need someone that will listen and help you with coping skills to get through
dr. April Brown is now accepting new clients and is working with her existing clients through distance video counseling the services are through a secure online HIPAA based practice management platform called Simple practice this technology can provide a secure two-way interactive video counseling session over the internet
for more information about video counseling please email dr. April Brown at info at dr. April Brown
dot-com or you may call 239-565-6921 thank you and remember we are all in this together
okay well cool.
We were just talking about connecting two times of difficulty you could come and have even have your relationship until unit stop yeah and so you have this thing called a bit for connection what is it
bids for connection are so and they're Blake and we make them every day and we don't make one we probably make that and they are simple as
it's a good show on TV tonight
well you're not telling your partner that just to update them you're telling your partner that because you want them to join you and turning towards or taking the dog for a walk which is a bit I have to do a better job turning toward and they're not to again again and I'm and then if you know what we've been intimate in a long time are you going to turn toward turn away and I can tell you I'll give you the basic when I talk text for tomorrow then I'll give you a live example April as long as you promise not to throw a shoot the these beds are so we live on the water and Cherry can say to me
and I turn and I look really nice, and then there's a Stray Heart on Facebook and then there's erupting me reading limit stop turning the gas then the research shows turn toward their bids 86% of the time which no one has a calculator but most of them are very happy
CC turn toward each other's beds 33% of the time divorce and a live example of this is one time Sherry said to me ever since I was a little girl I always wanted to go to Niagara Falls big dream and my answer was nothing special walked up the stairs and I got to the top of the stairs I went out now I just turned away and I came back so one of the first things we have to do is recognize this bitch take the time to do that
it's it's really good when I had a couple lately one said to me John it's hard
and I was like yeah yeah it is and when what did they do these bids for connection is they fill each other's emotional baggage okay and I I kind of think of it as say there's $100 and April you and I are together in your turn toward all my bits so I have all the money well I should be turning towards yours and I'm going to give you give that money we're going to share and everything's good if you turn toward all my bed and I don't give you any turn towards back
your your bank account your emotional bank account is empty you're not going to turn toward anymore is nothing in the account so it's real important that we turn towards each other's beds and I know you probably seen it in section where someone makes it bad sex and then the other person gets defensive
yeah yeah
how do you work with people who get defensive when they hear a bet
and I'm pretty sure you never turned a bid event to receive stacks and never and always are are my world I called four letter works and so I'm sure you know Esther Corral and and Astor says we should be talking about why we're not having sex we should be talking about why we should be
it should be
it's so clear is that women respond to sex with connection
if they feel connected there more able to turn toward the man spit in the man face well if we had sex I turn to make you feel more connected and it doesn't work A Different World Racing ship she same bed but also dreams
yeah we're not talking about that
you know I the dream if you listen to Life
listen television you will always hear people say that was
and the dream is such a great you know bid for connection and such a great connecting thing
because one just talked about the dream the dream always changes
it always changes so many you spend 35 minutes a week talking about our relationship 5 minutes a day most couples don't do that they don't connect
so you know just saying hearing both people and supporting the treat Saturday night I truly believe it like one of the best things you can do for your marriage is support and honor your partner's dream
before we talk I had a phone call from a couple the woman said I've been trying to do this business and it's been my dream for years and he's watching ESPN
and I I need him
so turning toward on the dream yeah it's it's important
the dream is is everything everything good happens from
how do you keep the
the hope of the dream alive when you're in
radical difficult times
you talk about
we talked about it exactly you talk about it you share where you are with it you need to say you know like I do a lot of roleplay April so we feel like I always want to take that boat trip and now it's really hard for us because we're locked down and it's just it was always my dream to take the boat to Florida I really want to do that together
you know it's it's it's something that you know
just talking about it with you is better
we can talk about the trip what we're going to do on it now and I planted together that be good
yes imagination goes yeah yeah yeah and I think that's really helps in the sense of relationships that protect relationships. Mayo connection first NN really valuing the connection that you have with your partner is also something called rituals of connection better we do everyday or every night to be having a cup of coffee in the morning Sherry and I share yogurt bed every night and we just talk
and I recall it and I think I'm going to trade market yogurt and I will share with you an interesting story is Sherry had to go down to North Carolina a few months ago and she went on a Tuesday no yogurt no yogurt time Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday we didn't have yogurt Sunday we didn't have yogurt. Monday we didn't have yogurt mysteriously we were fighting more
I don't know why cuz we weren't connected so that they make it the connection they respect
no accepting your partners influence is important the word part partnership is Adam again I said it's really hard to fail when you're saying the word we
because you're together and what breaks it know there's four things started to drizzle who's basically saying you know what I'm better than you and that just separate you are you never do that and you're basically saying you never do it I do it
and naturally you're going to get that with defensiveness cuz I'll say never and of course he'll say I do too I did it last night well how about the Last Ten Years Gone lyrics to be the last night as we were going to talk to John today so the disrespect is is just
terrible it is literally has if you know the facts immune system
and that has repercussions later in life and then the last one which and I'm guilty of it so I'll take the leadership role 85% of men Stone we shut down
where you think you know what whatever I say it's not going to make a difference Sherry has said when I Stonewall 95% ja-ba she knows very well. Nice weather I'm talking to you I just said nice weather but it stopped connection so those those four will take its toll on and again turning away or break the relationship will question why are we even doing
barium St. Many of these things in the sentence that can hurt a relationship and even insensitive disconnect from any of those things affect your immune system and how right now we really need a strong immune system
and how it's so important
yeah and it's one of the reasons I said we can come together we got to come together or we break a car and coming together we have to fight this is a lot of levels to fighting this is not a level it's talk about that awesome
that if we come together we actually build our immune systems and I know with connection there's no way
I'm going down from that virus not going to hack
connecting and being strong and be positive that you're
talented
yeah it's at the connection thing resiliency when I add my really bad stroke I was on life support for 5 days
they didn't know whether I was going to live or die
add the tube down my throat
and I open my eyes after 5 days you want to talk about connection
Sherry was holding my hand
and I often ask what happened to me happened to you
you think your partner would be there for you
and some of them say yes some say no. We have to get them in that environment so where are there they're able to be there through the box
this is this is a great opportunity and I know that sounds kind of hard but it really is and you and I are so on the same page of positivity it's such a great connection thing yes yes so I know John you have fun if know if I can stay godman a few times now it just that kind of stuff and Janice one of the training so but I'm in this place with want to learn a little bit more about you and then right after that will be opening up for a question
beagle Hancock about yourself John wow well I buy my practice I often say to people I don't worry about people I talk to you why worry about the ones I don't the people who have the courage to go through this process is really good it's great process I don't use a 50-minute model I charge per session not per hour if you want to set the record 5 hours 40 minutes I don't care I want you to end better than if so they feel more connected this is there life during the week between sessions they can call me at anytime
add a couple who my story went and had sex in 18 months and I said we'll have you tried holding hands and they took a rock and they held hands and I got a call at 3 in the morning John cannot complete it we just had sex was good but I may I welcome new clients I never let anyone wait more than a week
I always make time I work basically tonight I'm going to finish up probably around 11:30 I started got my first call text at 6:30 this morning
and to me it's not work it's my dream
so my number is do I get my number now or
okay yeah it's a phone number is 410-419-8149 that's my direct line so I answered this is John you're talking to me if I'm in session you'll get a message that says that and
I think it's a great thing that couples do this amazing I think there's a difference between I always ask this question are you married or you a couple
couple married people can be couples to so I appreciate I hear okay good thank you for sure what you doing what you providing he's one of the kids that I know and I know but I call entrance counseling sessions usually about three hours and it flies I don't have a clock you just isn't natural ending goes down about 2 hours and within four sessions things should be significantly better now I know that probably sounds crazy but that's my history
yeah but I mean it's at 4 sessions and you're roughly about 2 to 3 hours
yeah yeah that's the big 12 15 hours that's yeah
yeah most people come there on the verge of divorce no one ever comes to ask for a tune-up
we are I wish we got to nuts we don't get to nuts
yeah yeah I will say one thing I'm very proud of is you know why I can be in them hipaa-compliant the coaching world there's a little more flexibility in that and I can literally text any couple I've ever worked with and say I'm meeting with someone now I need you
and I will label call in and it's just a it's a voice on the phone where yeah we went through you're not alone and it's one thing here and it from us it's another thing from another world another yeah it's I admire their commitment to no one's ever said no to a wonderful wonderful open phone number is +1-888-867-6008 I think you're going to get someone will see okay
many types of people are struggling they feel you're the only one
a unique program and having previous couples that you work with provide that support saying hey you're not a lot we've been to this
don't ask me about the Fab Five I've gotten five people that were the victims of infidelity and they are they did a session together and share their story and they have a group text now where they pick each other up all the time the Fab Five I've done a couple of them so
his many times in that particular fear of victim of being cheated on you kind of like don't want to tell anyone and you feeling better
yeah it's up there call The Fab Five For a Reason Silverback hits online 2
hey Doctor John and she calls me.
Question
so I just wanted to have worked with John in the past my husband and I just didn't just say hi and our marriage was well we actually went with him before we got married each other we just didn't really know how to express it we had so you know when everything is good right when things are bad it was awful and he's just really really help to our relationship now we're married for going on three years this year and he's and he's always there like whenever and I'll text them and I'll be like Justin doing that thing again so I just wanted to call and in the test to the doctor John work
John I'm sorry not enough who is this
I can't see.
On a podcast we are so honored to be invited to your wedding that was
never forget
and it was over Justin did not want to do a wedding he kept saying even the morning of the wedding he's asleep because the courthouse this is ridiculous and the day after the wedding that was so much fun I can't believe you planned that so we had an awesome wedding I'm so glad you guys ready
well thank you so much for back and for calling in and also for sharing with us cuz I think for many couples of people out there listening they wanted counselor art are coach you can get back with always available to meet their needs so thanks for sharing.
Thanks for having me call in and just something to eat to stay out there I mean our marriage is not perfect it's a constant struggle we are constantly turning away from each other and turn into worth each other but it's something that we work on jelly and you know with with John Powell born a really really good place and we consistently stay in a good place which is cool thank you so much thank you thank you so now we have Amanda for Maryland online one
Amanda
how are you
I'm well thanks John how are you guys doing well there we go sell Amanda God we've known each other for how long 24 hours
just about 24 hours John then and also 24 hours you want to share your experience and what you know why you came to me
or so my husband and I we've been married 10 years we have three kids and we started to find that we were having a really difficult time connecting with each other and as John put it we were we fighting each other and it was causing our communication to completely break down so we both realized like now is the time for us to really get some help with his understanding how we can get back to the original part that we had in the beginning
yes and so you have had a session with John
yeah we did after yesterday was our very first session and John is John is great John his approach is like so real and so relatable drink with bars then just talk about us and our family room about like imagine how we can make things better it was real most authentic spell because John wasn't trying to like help us to understand each other not going down the wrong road
yeah we did actually my husband is part of military and military ID in each of those sessions it was almost like I was counting the time that it would be before we had to end it was hard for me to open up when talking with John O'Shea last row and just authentic it was easy for me to take the time that I needed to get over my little bit of anxiety open up with my stuff
the dream
yeah
so what is love
yeah I was John gave my husband and I homework to do a part of that way in a way where I would do something that she's asking for me and you consistently for a week and then he wears the same with me husband asked was that I take 2 hours every day just for myself or anybody else just for me in that time I decided to text you this morning so I took my 2 hours and I drove to an empty and I stopped by myself and I started writing out some of the things that I dreamed of doing because I was having a hard time knowing what that was
play when we talked with John and it was really just like a realization that I someone somewhat lost myself in the role of them trying to be everything to everybody else instead of recognizing like what I needed to be for my
I just wrote down some of the things that I dream about doing and it just made me feel so good this morning when I came back home and I felt like Renee
was awesome Amanda you April is amazing
can you run it will give you double treatment here can you ask us both a question we'll both give answers anything you want Amanda be real
put me on the spot job
you know how I can say I can wait
what
can I do you
what what what types of things can I do in my cell phone that I do help me remember it's okay for me to disconnect from everybody else and focus on myself like what things can I constantly need me repeat myself that help needed not feel that that I end up feeling whenever I try to take my
dr. Brown that's all you do
I'm a believer that you have to really truly love yourself and it's really important because there's a little child in all of us to never say anything negative
and one one way too easy do that it's always talk to yourself I think you miss me
I always talk to myself like I talk to one of my kids
and so that helps me how can I put it in the sense of not putting myself down and not putting in the sense of guilt and then the other things that it's very helpful to remember and they even do this on the airline's you have to put on your mask first
before you can help someone else
so it's okay to rest it's okay that's it down
it's okay to breathe you know and if Mom has be honest with your mom is in right the whole house
suit themselves and spend time by yourself but don't feel like you always have to have to be April and I are brother and sister if you can't love yourself how can you love me and anyone you really and it goes against a lot of people think is you know they know it's not no it's not at all taking care of yourself many times have people here and I still see it but it's supposed to be like that
yeah it's you know I'm doing the work to take care of you allows you know that again every everyone grows
yeah yeah I know that's that's definitely like a big lesson I learned from John yesterday I can't talk to my husband and I each other in a way that we receive love I realize that I was sacrificing my husband's interest in me as a person for me being like consistently a good mom and a good like process manager at like a good person to pay bills and things like that so this is like causing him to feel unimportant like I forgot how to be his girlfriend and his wife and I like my my sister so is is vital to our success as a couple like in our marriage to the Future
yes Amanda can you talk about Perpetual conflict and how it comes in your relationship in your marriage
yes, so funny is when John asked yesterday my husband immediately so complex and then as we are about the silliest things like you know the laundry in the way that he doesn't receive the way that I do it in
I don't know anything like the way we load the dishwasher and those little things like there's a route and if you don't analyze exactly like where it's coming from it causes it to be this constant Venusaur the looming over you that you can either deal with it or every day
call Amanda you know you and I fought over the Christmas tree right
bringing up marriage right now in his point of view is basically the way that he learned can you talk about Amanda can you talk about yogurt time for you to
yes oh John, we left your conversation yesterday we had so much as I can with things like that and examples of how he and his wife have yogurt time every night at the cutest thing ever and with each other is vital to making sure you know very specific like bags and only connecting around about like 5 minutes a day and unrealistic to think that you can build something with just that short amount as though my husband and I had that in the past
I think we would do you do after the kids went to bed he and I were both on and I'm and I didn't realize that that was our connection time until John talked about sharing everything that's I mean I was just a lot that you gain in one session yesterday which is amazing in able to continue this journey with you and thank you Amanda from Holland
talk about his services and he has some people on there to John tell us again how can people find your connect with you connect with me through my website lightbridge coaching.com my phone number 410-419-8149 LinkedIn just my name John Weidman w e i m as in Michael a n and if you Google my name and the word Thumbtack you'll have access to my profile in the reviews and I return calls the same day
okay well thank you so much time for being on the show please check them out like you said he's on Facebook and he's also an Instagram check him out and hear the website in the number again directly at 410-419-8149 thank you John to being on the show but I'll say it