The Truth is Always Better . . and Your Secret is Safe with Me!

Veronica Monet invites you to Enjoy Your Erotic Evolution: Stop Having the Same Argument Over and Over and Over Again! And Fall in Love with Your Partner All Over Again! Veronica Monet's Shame Free Zone is going where no show has gone before. No, she isn't turning out shock schlock or the jaded ramblings of a life mis-spent. Instead she has parlayed her years as a high priced escort into a legitimate profession - that of sex educator and sexologist. Both men and women turn to her for honest and often hard hitting answers and solutions to the many problems and frustrations which punctuate dating, marriage, romance and love. FREE Help for Your Relationship(s) and Sex Life! The Shame Free Zone, is an ideal opportunity to ask the experts (Veronica Monet and her illustrious guests!) those nagging questions you always wanted to ask but didn't know who to ask. Radio lets you be anonymous too so you might want to go out on a limb and share some of your secrets! Where else can you do all of that for FREE?!



Veronica,

You sure seem to know a lot about sex outside of marriage. That's something that I have had real conflicts about. Although I have never committed adultery in 18 years of marriage, I have been VERY tempted. As a minister, how do you reconcile your beliefs with the teachings in the Bible about adultery? I am a Christian and want to spend eternity with God in Heaven, but love to enjoy beautiful women (like you), too. I believe that God meant for us to enjoy being with each other, but I am not willing to lose my soul over sex. What are your thoughts on this?

I'm HORNY, but want to go to HEAVEN! HELP!

Respectfully,
James



Dear James,

Great questions!

First, I am ordained through the Universal Life Church. It is non-denominational and very eclectic as am I. I embrace many approaches to spirituality and my spirituality is incredibly sex-positive. I do NOT believe sex is sin and I feel strongly that most religion expends a great deal of energy demonizing sex and wallowing in shame and guilt. I have no use for this approach to life. I prefer an approach which is uplifting and joyful. I believe we are in bodies so that we can enjoy those bodies and learn about God/Goddess through our bodies. I also believe that sex is a doorway to the divine - not an impediment as some religions preach.

However, I also do NOT condone dishonesty or theft. Cheating on our spouses is both. If the relationship is open by agreement or the couple is polyamorous by design and ALL parties concerned are fully informed and empowered to choose, then beautiful things can happen when more than two people are in a sexual relationship. But if one agrees to a given set of circumstances and then betrays that trust by doing something other than what they have promised to do, there are severe consequences to all concerned.

I don't believe in hell as a destination. But I do think we can create hell in our lives by living without integrity. Integrity demands honesty and the courage to communicate what we stand for and then walk our talk.

There is NO reason for you to lose your soul to sex. You simply have to find the right kind of sex for you - sex that you can talk to God about without shame or guilt - sex that adds beauty and joy to your life and the life of EVERYONE you are in relationship with. If your wife is not ready to entertain anything other than what you share now, you will have to consider if you want to stay in the marriage. But you should NOT lie to her or do things behind her back. You will only hurt yourself, her, the person you have sex with outside of your marriage and of course your relationship with God.

Does that make sense? Honesty and integrity are the guiding principles here. NOT WHAT you do sexually but HOW and WHY.

This approach to sex and spirituality has been very uplifting and freeing for me. I hope you find some solace in the concept as well. Let me know if you want to explore this further. As you no doubt know, I work with men and women over the telephone on issues such as these!

Blessings,
Veronica Monet, ACS



My name is Becky and I have read your book. First, I want to thank you because you have shown me many things that I had not seen about myself, my sexuality and my spirituality too. Your book came into my life when I was most in need of answers! I write to you because I don't have anyone to turn to in my life: no sister, no mother, no aunts, no one that can shed some light. Although we have never met, your book lets me know that you are the kind of person that cares about others.

I am 23 and I have been dating since I was 12. I have had many boyfriends, lovers and so on and they have only brought disappointment. I understand now, after studying two years of psychology, that these relationships did not work out because I was looking for the love my mother and father where not able to give me. I have always been in need of physical contact: a hug, a kiss, a kind hand, etc. After giving up on love and becoming insecure about not only my body but my intelligence too, I dedicated myself to work and study thinking this would be my life. I was wrong. I found a man who actually finds me intellectually attractive and physically attractive too! Or at least when we met that was the case. We met 10 months ago and within a week we had already made love. I consider myself a sexual person although I think I have the passion but I don't have the technique. On the other hand, he is a tall handsome man that has had five girlfriends in 34 years (including me) and has read a lot of books about sex. He has both passion and technique so he overwhelms me but I don't overwhelm him. Now we have fallen into a vicious cycle: I want him to touch me; he doesn't feel like it; I feel rejected, fat, ugly, etc. Then I cry about it and he feels attacked, like the worst boyfriend ever, and pressured and even less attracted to me. I get even sadder and feel unwanted. I don't think I even feel like a woman anymore. I can't even prove to him I can be better. Now he tells me sex is not important to him and that just depresses me because making love to him is important to me and well, he says he can live without it, the important thing is that we have each other and that I should be happy because he is not with me for sex. Sure that sounds nice, and I'm glad he doesn't see me as a sexual object but does he see me as a woman at all?

Veronica, he is the best thing that has happened to me and he is the only "family" I have. I don't want to loose him and I don't know what it is that I'm doing wrong but my need for him and his company is pushing him away and every day I feel even more disconnected. He tells me to give him his space: how do I do that without getting even more disconnected? I am so depressed I don't even feel like getting up from bed and taking a shower, I only do it because I have to go to work. Please help me, give me something I can work with other than therapy! Please!

I thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope you have some encouraging words like the ones in your book.

Your helpless friend,
Becky



Dearest Becky,

I have felt the way you feel - or similar to it. When I was married, my husband lost interest in me and I felt rejected. It was strange because all these amazing men would pay to be with me and crave my attention and time - but when I came home my husband ignored me. So trust me, I do understand this dynamic and in retrospect I learned a lot about it which I am happy to share with you.

First of all, anytime we want something too much, we drive it away. The reason my clients craved me was because they couldn't have me unless they paid me a lot of money. The reason my husband didn't want me was because I wanted him too much. I felt needy and that led to feeling angry. This is not an attractive or romantic state of affairs. Remember the sexiest thing there is? Confidence! If you are needy, you are the least sexy person alive! That applies to ALL of us and it can happen in an instant. So you need to stop needing him. You can continue to feel desire and even express that desire but then stop talking about it, stop thinking about it and walk away. Know when to walk away and stop pestering your partner. Then he may find he has desires of his own which he has not been able to feel because all he feels now is trapped, nagged and controlled.

This is easier said than done, Becky. If you want help detaching with love, I can help you with a telephone consultation. Let me know if that interests you. Whatever you decide, just know that this is your pattern and your challenge to grow past old ways of thinking and being. On the other side of this challenge is courage, comfort, peace of mind and joy. I know because that is where I live today.

Veronica Monet, ACS



My question is this. Last year, my boyfriend cheated on me after we spent the evening together at a Halloween party. He did not tell me, and from there, things got worse. He was really weird about me going out. It had been rocky up to that point, but I had no idea what was going on. Well, I met up with an old friend from my early teens, and started moving away from my boyfriend. I moved out a couple months later and started seeing someone else. My ex was really upset about this. I found out later he cheated on me, and we both revealed that we had done that a couple of times each a year or so into our relationship. (I met him when I was 17 and he was 20). I ended up breaking things off with the new guy and got back with my ex. He and I have had a hard time since we got back together, including our first dual fist fight. But other than that it is difficult for us to be apart. The thing is, the girls he cheated on me with hardly look anything like me. They are all a bit taller (but I think I am fairly short- 5'2"ish), and I feel they are maybe prettier than me. In turn, the guys I cheated on him with don’t have the same attributes that he does. My concern (and his as well), is that he and I will cheat on each other and hurt each other again. But he and I aren’t sure what we are doing. I just really don’t know about what to do. I just need some feedback. I also never really pressed the issue of marriage (I once said that I wasn’t really for it, but now I am 25 and think that it would be nice to be committed to him if we are going to do this. I do know, however, that if he wanted to by now he would have asked by now). Again I really appreciate the reply as I know you are really busy. But this means a whole lot to me.

Cassandra



Dear Cassandra,

You story is pretty common and nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. That said, you are playing with some very powerful dynamics and I encourage you to take it seriously. Fist fights are nothing to shrug off - even if they happen only once. The reality is that until you both learn more appropriate coping strategies, you run the very real risk of escalating violence. I know. I have lived this and seen all sides of the equation. Also, the violence usually gets worse after the wedding. So don't approach marriage like a Band-Aid which will fix your problems. It won't. It may actually accentuate those problems.

Instead, if you are both serious about continuing your relationship - get help. See a professional who can assist you with non-violent communication and anger management. And if you are on a budget, attend 12 step meetings which are free. Co-dependents Anonymous would be wonderful for both of you. Also some cities offer support groups for Domestic Violence Anonymous - but I suspect neither one of you will be ready to look at that at this point. But make no mistake about it; you have described the dynamics which lead to domestic violence in the long run. Take an attitude of prevention and seek help now instead of waiting until one of you draws blood.

BTW, revenge fucking can be a precursor to domestic violence. Don't get caught up in what either one of you did or who you did it with. That is just a distraction from the really important issues - the anger and lack of communication in this relationship.

This is exactly the sort of thing I help couples with so if you want to make an appointment, let me know. Also if you have other questions don't hesitate to email me.

Veronica Monet, ACS



Hi Dear,

This is Nadeem from India. I ejaculate into a girl's vagina the moment I enter her. I feel I’m suffering from PE (premature ejaculation). Please can you help me to get rid of this problem? How can I satisfy a woman sexually?? Looking forward to your reply - I’m totally depressed. Please help me....



Dear Nadeem,

Ok. Premature Ejaculation is usually associated with psychological origins. One way to test this theory is to experiment with masturbation. Can you last a long time when you pleasure yourself? If so, you don't have a physiological problem. Many men ejaculate quickly because they are afraid of intimacy or angry at their partner. Since your partners appear to be relative strangers we can probably dismiss those explanations. Is it possible that you feel intimidated (fearful) of sex or women or both?

To discover your true feelings about sexual intercourse, you might try journaling (writing) about your feelings as they come up for you. Make a concerted effort to notice how you feel when you anticipate sexual intercourse and how you feel just after intercourse.

One technique which can help you overcome Premature Ejaculation is the use of condoms which can desensitize your penis. You can also learn to squeeze or contract your PC muscles (these are the muscles you contract when you try NOT to urinate). And finally, you can masturbate BEFORE you have sex with a partner to decrease the urge to ejaculate.

But I think you will find more answers in the emotional and psychological aspects of your situation. Sex is a very emotional event and many men try to ignore this fact which results in sexual dysfunction. Get honest with yourself about your feelings. You may not want to have casual sex and Premature Ejaculation could be one way of refusing to have sex.

Let me know if this was of any help to you.

Veronica Monet, ACS



Dear Veronica,

I am having difficulty letting go of whatever still holds my body incapable of orgasm through cunnilingus - which I used to love and find very orgasmic easily and powerfully. I haven't felt comfortable enough to relax and ask lovers to take their time finding out how to please me by oral sex IN TWENTY YEARS. Soon after my father's death at age fifty from cardiac arrest, I began having flashbacks in dreams and getting triggered during sexual activity. I began years of therapy to heal the sexual abuse from my father throughout my childhood and young adulthood. He mainly performed cunnilingus when I was asleep. I get why I'm anxious and feel irritable or numb when a lover even spends a few minutes trying to orally pleasure me. Your thoughts? Thanks.

Debbie



Dear Debbie,

Well, of course I recommend therapy but it sounds like you have that covered. And there is a great book by Staci Haines which provides exercises for survivors of sexual abuse: The Survivor's Guide to Sex. Wonderful book. I found it extremely healing even after 20+ years of therapy and recovery groups (not to mention all my sex credentials).

But here is my first impression from what you have shared:

You need more safety. You can create this for yourself but you need to know what your specific triggers are. For example, my dad used to come up from behind me and fondle by breasts - especially while I was washing my hands. Years later, my husband wanted to come up from behind me and hug me while I was washing the dishes. It was not sexual touching but it was extremely triggering for me and I wanted to scream. So we arranged it so he had to ask before he touched me if I was washing my hands or the dishes. That took care of it for me. Once he asked permission, I was receptive to his physical demonstrations of affection. But no matter how many times he asked for permission and I granted it - he had to ask EVERY time.

You might need something similar. Maybe your lover(s) need to ask permission to perform cunnilingus on you. And maybe you need to do some type of ritual which will establish to your subconscious that you are awake. If your circumstances feel too much like being asleep it could be very triggering. How about you sit on their face? That would be very assertive and certainly a clear sign to yourself that you are NOT sleeping. If that doesn't appeal to you, I hope you at least get the idea. Change the surroundings, smells, sounds, etc. so that your inner child can be certain that this is NOT a repeat of the incest.

Veronica Monet, ACS